I'm Sick of This Living... but Isn't Everyone?
01.12.11 (7:28 am) [edit]Sitting up this morning. Sipping water because it seems like the thing to do before I dive in to my work coffee in about 30 minutes, and also after consuming about a bottle's equivalent of wine last night right before bed. I don't feel dehydrated, but surely some part of my body is. I don't feel great either, but I think it's the lack of sleep or something. Looked at my old face in the mirror last night, as I do often. I think this on and off drinking for the past 5 or so years has made me age a bit more than I normally might. That's a strange thing to realize, but I guess a lot do seeing as how I know people out there doing a lot worse than I am. I've always had a sallow complexion naturally. When I was a kid, Mom used to douse my cheeks with blush and try to make a little bit of lipstick look 'natural' before school. Or any public outings. Finally she told me it was because I didn't look awake without it. How does an awake 7-year-old not look "awake"? Who knows. I figured a person can find any reason to resent their parents, and that's not what I'm doing... just saying I think that was a bit extreme. I think there are more extreme things that happen, though, so I want to reiterate that I am NOT complaining. Okay... here's to trying to have a good day. This is the ugliest town, but I think there are uglier towns. Also, I'm sick of complaining and I'm sure you're sick of reading about it, assuming that You are reading this.
the ex-files... LOL
01.02.11 (2:31 am) [edit]ever since i stopped visiting my ex's blog & facebook.... life has been WAY less heart-wrenching.
What I Werk It To
12.21.10 (5:26 pm) [edit]New favorite workout discovery - SPANK ROCK ! I will run for hours to SPANK ROCK feat. Benny Blanco - 'Bangers & Cash' - the raunchiness of it absolutely ridiculous. It also makes me want to run like a stripper, WHICH IS ONLY APPROPRIATE ON THE TREADMILL WHEN NO ONE'S HOME. :-)
Christmas Memories/Plans
12.21.10 (12:13 am) [edit]WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CHRISTMAS MEMORY? I'll post mine in a comment. I want to know a favorite Christmas/Holiday-time memory from fellow bloggers. It can be funny, sad, happy, heart-warming, or all four! :-)
Also, What's everyone doing for Christmas this year? Getting together with friends or family? Working? Resting? Sipping Cocoa? Sleeping? I want to know!
The Kind of Sober Way of Living
12.19.10 (3:46 pm) [edit]For a long time, I've convinced myself that I'm no longer depressed. I think there are different levels of being "not depressed", though. I have decided today that I'm not the lowest-low of the deep-end of it, but I'm definitely in a rut. I always think that the best solution self-diagnosed depression (and doctor diagnosed MANY years ago, but I don't have the money for someone with a PHD to tell me I'm depressed these days... I mean, it's just obvious anyhow.)...anywho, as I was saying, I've always thought the best solution to depression is just to keep REALLY busy, so that one does not have the time to loathe whatever it is that said depressed person is depressed about to begin with. In my case, it's sometimes hard to pinpoint, but I gotta pretty good Idea and it's just not important for me to type it all out with everything else if I know already. Well, turns out I just don't have any damned energy to keep REALLY busy, or um, move really. I mean, I work full-time and go to school, etc. and do normal people keeping-ups with life and socialization and I feel lousy. I went out with some girly-peeps last night, and EVERY SINGLE ONE of four people stated they were depressed. I wonder if depressed is the new happy? Or if everyone's so self-absorbed they have convinced themselves they are depressed? Is Depression a way of life? I know that some people just don't understand. I know these people... they have woken up everday of their life ready to take on the world, boosting with energy and beaming with sunshine no matter what the heck is going on. I god, I wish I was one of those people. I have wished I was one of those people since I was old enough to fathom that I wasn't. But... I never have been, never will be, and in retrospect, I've always been a rather depressive, realistic-to-the-point-of -disgust type of girl. I have been since my brain was old enough to have coherent thoughts. I lost sleep over money problems and the anxieties of how I looked at age four. I remember this. I think there are many other people like this. I have not chosen to be a debbie-downer. It chose me. HOWEVER, I am knowledgable enough now at least to know that there are things to do be done about something like this. BUT... my issue is... if I have been like this my entire life- Is this normal? Is this my normal? Is there even a problem to fix if my brain is wired like this? I am able to function in society and do everything I need to normally - meaning I'm not handicapped in anyway. I am not a threat to myself or anyone, and I know exactly what being a good citizen, and right from wrong is. But just because I'm not Becky Sunshine - there is something WRONG with that? Sure, it's pleasant to think there's a pill that can be popped to change all of this, but at the end of the day - I know who I am. You know I am. Why be someone you are not? I'm not happy. If you ever see me happy, it's an act. WHY ACT? That's so silly. To seem 'normal'? Maybe that's a good reason. To be approachable? That's a good reason. Eh, so I continue to act and such is life.
Thanks... Just Thanks.
11.27.10 (3:09 am) [edit]Decided I'm the weirdest girl on the planet. After conversations with tons of really attractive dudes, including my Thanksgiving sex, I still don't care to pursue a relationship. I know cynicism doesn't get one anywhere (supposedly), but after seeing a gabillion broken marriages and having to be a kid playing a mother/father figure to everyone involved in shitty relationships... no. freakin. thank you. I was done in at age ten. Kudos parents, just kudos. You're a super generation complaining about ours. Hey, you raised us and acted like selfish children in the process. You simply don't get why your now adult children aren't as awesome as generations' past...? Really? Again, big shout out to selfish, crap parents on having oddly high expectations of their spawns. I guess there's people that relate to this, I personally don't know any, because I live in the south and everyone down here fakes being nice and perfect and Christian. It's the biggest joke I couldn't have the imagination to write if I wanted to do such evil.
Make Up Donations?
11.22.10 (12:05 am) [edit]One time I came across someone's blog, and the blogger mentioned that she had stopped on the side of the road and talked to this man selling fruits and veggies. Anyhow, he was saying how he and his wife were both barely getting by. The blogger went on to say that the man mentioned to her that his wife loved nice makeup, even if it was used, she just liked to look pretty and have things like any woman would. The blogger got this man's address, in case anyone wanted to mail his wife makeup. I was at work at the time (playing on work-time...shhhh!), and I did not get the oppurtunity to write down the address. I have SO much makeup, like really nice makeup even, that's been used once or twice, but I decided I didn't like it. I would love for someone to have it. If anyone knows anyone in a similar case, please let me know! I have literally hundreds of dollars worth of makeup that's been barely touched. Coming from a female who sincerely understands how loving to be made up feels, I sympathize with this woman. I assume there are others out there.
i know i'm 23 and all... but i still can't wait to be "older" ... :-)
11.20.10 (1:22 am) [edit]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L--cqAI3IUI
11.15.10 (11:59 pm) [edit]
Why not marry your best friend? So what if he steals, lies, and has no qualifications that would make him husband-worthy? He would never cheat on me, we have chemistry like two human beings I've never known, and he thinks I'm the goldenest girl on the planet. I don't find him physically attractive. I would never be able to ya know... do things with him. But his personality, in general, smittens me. He means well, and people generally are crazy about him. So there's those one a million guys out there, that think they're terribly good-looking and too awesome to be with their wives or even THINK about chemistry and laughing and making it work. And I think about this person and how I literally feel "high" with him, just his personality and humor alone. He has book smarts, he's never paid a bill, he lives with his mom, and he has a car wreck about 3 times a year because he's never had to have any regard for authority or money. I mean, he's from wealth. And that has nothing to do with why I enjoy being around him. We don't spend any money, and just talking to him is like the best therapy I could never afford. Thoughts? PS... I could never build a life with this person... he has no clue what responsibility is. I crave stability, a responsible human being, an honest one, and a common-sense type person as well. But I LOVE to laugh. and few people can really make me do that. Honestly, 2 ... maybe. Ahh, eff protocol and marriages. I'm going with my instincts and... daydreaming about the day this could work.
Why not marry your best friend? So what if he steals, lies, and has no qualifications that would make him husband-worthy? He would never cheat on me, we have chemistry like two human beings I've never known, and he thinks I'm the goldenest girl on the planet. I don't find him physically attractive. I would never be able to ya know... do things with him. But his personality, in general, smittens me. He means well, and people generally are crazy about him. So there's those one a million guys out there, that think they're terribly good-looking and too awesome to be with their wives or even THINK about chemistry and laughing and making it work. And I think about this person and how I literally feel "high" with him, just his personality and humor alone. He has book smarts, he's never paid a bill, he lives with his mom, and he has a car wreck about 3 times a year because he's never had to have any regard for authority or money. I mean, he's from wealth. And that has nothing to do with why I enjoy being around him. We don't spend any money, and just talking to him is like the best therapy I could never afford. Thoughts? PS... I could never build a life with this person... he has no clue what responsibility is. I crave stability, a responsible human being, an honest one, and a common-sense type person as well. But I LOVE to laugh. and few people can really make me do that. Honestly, 2 ... maybe. Ahh, eff protocol and marriages. I'm going with my instincts and... daydreaming about the day this could work.
11.15.10 (12:22 am) [edit]
The Beach Boys are perfect. I'm addicted. I mean, I have been since I was a child. I always knew of them anyway. But just recently... I just am smitten.
The Beach Boys are perfect. I'm addicted. I mean, I have been since I was a child. I always knew of them anyway. But just recently... I just am smitten.
It's a New Day... er, Year!
11.14.10 (3:09 pm) [edit]Hello Dears! So I used to post here all the stinkin' time. Then I got a new computer, and for some reason, every time I went to this site, my browser would immediately lock and freeze and force me to restart the computer. With that said, I haven't posted in a VERY long time. And it's good to be back :-) As I am making this my 'comeback post'. Things happening now: It's a glorious Sunday. Really, it is. I have moved out and moved back in with Mom. I don't care to read my last post, but I know it was long enough ago to where numerous changes have happened in my life, and yours as well I'm sure. I'm not an 'early twenties-something' anymore. I'm not a teenager like I was when I first started on this thing. I'm almost 24-years young. I have dated, I have broken up. As of today, I am sipping (spooning) on a Sonic Java Chiller, working on collegiate work, and preparing for my work week ahead. I hear mom in the other room babbling to my Aunt, and PBS is on in the background, as I attempt to be productive. No kids, no husbands, no boyfriends, no drinking habits... for now. I am going to be more consistent with this blog this time around whether anyone likes it or not :-) Love.
It's a New Day... er, Year!
11.14.10 (3:05 pm) [edit]Hello Dears! So I used to post here all the stinkin' time. Then I got a new computer, and for some reason, every time I went to this site, my browser would immediately lock and freeze and force me to restart the computer. With that said, I haven't posted in a VERY long time. And it's good to be back :-) As I am making this my 'comeback post'. Things happening now: It's a glorious Sunday. Really, it is. I have moved out and moved back in with Mom. I don't care to read my last post, but I know it was long enough ago to where numerous changes have happened in my life, and yours as well I'm sure. I'm not an 'early twenties-something' anymore. I'm not a teenager like I was when I first started on this thing. I'm almost 24-years young. I have dated, I have broken up. As of today, I am sipping (spooning) on a Sonic Java Chiller, working on collegiate work, and preparing for my work week ahead. I hear mom in the other room babbling to my Aunt, and PBS is on in the background, as I attempt to be productive. No kids, no husbands, no boyfriends, no drinking habits... for now. I am going to be more consistent with this blog this time around whether anyone likes it or not :-) Love.
because I'm good enough, I'm strong enough, and gosh darnit, people like me.
07.20.09 (9:05 pm) [edit]This is in response to a friend's facebook update regarding having some things that person needed to get off of their chest and a few people made comments to that update. Their advice was, "Hey have a few drinks." It triggered this, which I decided to refrain from posting aside from here: Alcohol is the weak way out. I stopped drinking for the first time since I was 19 this year and it's amazing how different the world is when you actually face your problems. It hurts for a while, but you get to feel the good things, too, and there aren't any physical reprecussions to having a wild night of not drinking. It's amazing the things I found I was interested in since I stopped getting smashed. I had no idea I had interests past 9 pm aside from trying to numb something. I was stupid for so long. I was weak...better yet. Things are much better this way. I made things so complicated unkowingly. ("you do it to yourself, you do, and that's why it really hurts." - thanks thom). Sorry for that, but the "go drink" comments made me want to get that out because it's wehre I am right now. I'm not hating on anyone, though, for the record. And I'm not saying everyone that drinks abuses it like I did and a lot do. I cried on the 4th of July while watching fireworks. That means nothing to most. I was sober and I would normally not be at an event in a sea of drunkards. I would be one of them. I am so happy now with my life that I decided to take on without something I get at a gas station. I was able to see and feel and comprehend and even the pain I appreciated. It was raining so hard and I was freezing and everyone was complaining, but it wasn't a blur. My dad was looking down on me and he was happy for me. I could feel it. I wasn't disappointing anyone, but most of all (not just that night, but in general) I wasn't disappointing myself for the first time in my adult life. I wanted to show my real father that I could break the cycle, and I thought about all of this as I was watching fireworks from the bridge. It was beautiful to me and as I was tripping over a man in the streets dowtown, after I stopped to ask if he was alright, and he replied "I'll be fine, just too much whiskey," I understood. But I got passed that. No AA meetings. I didn't even tell anyone I had a problem. It was so hard. I was never a "day-drinker" luckily, but it was still bad. I mean, I was sober probably 2 nights out of 2008. And deep down I was miserable and things were never "okay" even though that's essentially all I was trying to be. Did I have some fucking great times? Definitely. Do I regret anything...not really for the most part. But I never dreamed I could feel this amazing and triumpant to a weight on my ankle so big it got to be a chore. I knew it was a problem when I didn't even want to drink anymore and looked down and was holding a glass of liquor concoction number 9 (Coco Chanel reference...not so much the 9th drink, while that may be fitting, too :)
Breaking Off What Never Was.
06.28.09 (8:05 pm) [edit]I don't regret most anything. I don't regret meeting you. I don't regret knowing you. I don't regret any time I've spent with you. I regret sleeping with you. I regret making you think that was interested in you for more than a friend. I thought I was. I'm not. Now I've led you on unintentionally into thinking this could possibly be serious or something close, but it's not going to. I knew that. I wanted it to. As "a friend" says, "you want so badly to be in love with this guy. You've given him every chance. He is rich, good-looking, and smart." He is those things and it doesn't satisfy me at all. It's temporarily flattering. I like to be seen with you. I do. When you tell me how your co-workers won't stop talking about what a catch I am...flattery that I haven't had in years. You bore me. That's it. I can't have any future with someone that I have well, been dating? Maybe...as I was saying...I can't have any future with someone that I cannot make conversation with even 3 months into. I mean, Geez. What a freaking let down. I suppose it's me. You're you and I am me. That's logic, right? I just always built you up to be so amazing. Then I got to know you. So here's the thing. It would be very easy to break everything off completely seeing as how I'm not even sure there is a status between the two of us, BUT...and here's the huge BUT: We have slept together which makes me feel like a complete "floozy" as you call them to want to end things before they've really begun. But things will not begin for us. I can tell. I wish we hadn't done that.
May 20, 2009 - A Wednesday
05.20.09 (8:05 pm) [edit]THINGS ARE GREAT! That's all I can say about now. I ask that you read up on a blog from 2004-2008 and you will understand the magnitude of that statement. Knock on wood... P.S. What's the difference between an objective and subjective point of view? I know one is basically seeing things from an outsider's point of view, with no previous knowledge of a situation, but which goes with which? HELP. I'm just curious. Thanks. Mucho LOVE. -Me.
Where do you move when what you're moving from is yourself?
03.29.09 (6:13 pm) [edit]I started a new job March the sixteenth. It's an office job. I like it. It's more me. Structure. Organization. I like it. I spent way too much money this weekend. I'm really, really kicking myself for that. I have to tell myself I deserved to, though. I just can't spend anymore for a good while. The way it should be. I wouldn't enjoy big splurges if I spent money all of the time. I'm feeling lost again. I know it's part of growing up and "finding yourself." I know all of this by now. I know there will be points in my life when I feel I have complete control, and other times I will feel as if my body and head are detached. That's okay. I want to feel it all. I want to feel pain, because when things are good, I can appreciate that feeling so much more. Who would want to live a life without pain? You wouldn't know things were good. It might not be bad...you wouldn't know. When things are good now, it feels amazing. When there is only an hour out of an entire week when my mind is completely at ease and there are no chemicals in my body, I know my life is good.
finding common ground with uncommon people
03.02.09 (3:58 pm) [edit]My life right now consists of not much and that's good with me for the most part. I don't get to see my friends as much as I'd like, but I realized everyone's very busy with their own life as am I. I love connecting with table I wait on. I do. I've never been much of a social person, but I'm finding I love to be now. I'm no longer afraid to let my quirky personality come out and people are very receptive toward it. Which makes me very confident for the first time in my life. I've never been able to describe myself as confident. I love it. I am single and I think I like that. Subconcsiously I may not, though. The past two nights I've had vivid dreams about being in a healthy, stable relationship with an unidentified male. In the first dream it's a cute, slender guy with shaggy, dark hair. He smiles a lot and we're happy, healthy, and sober. The second dream...basically the same, except the guy is blonde and a little more athletic build. In both, I feel comfortable. There's no uneasy feelings or fear of commitment. I'm happy in the place we are in both dreams, and we both smile a lot. I've never actually had a sense of comfort in any relationship I've ever been in. I long for this I think, while, as I said...I'm happy being single or so I think. That's all for now. Love, me.
i am irate.
12.30.08 (12:22 pm) [edit]i am. please, seriously. i have had to take my fucking jeep to the mechanic folks 5 times within the past three weeks because they are retards. FIVE TIMES. i've had to miss ridiculous amounts of work because of this and i honestly think my boss is as tired of it as i would be and am. it's embarrassing. i'm spending so much keeping it up until i can have the time to get a new one, that i might lose my job that i love which is the whole point of me trying to keep it up in the first place. to get there to do my job and make money. i hate these stupid, redneck manipulative mechanic assholes around here. they can see perfectly that i have no knowledge in the area of cars and are taking complete advantage of that and my wallet and time. i can't take it! tomorrow's my birthday and i know that gives me permission to cry if i want to and i very well might. my mother made the comment after a glass of wine too many last night that i was fat. i hate that. i am 119.5 lbs and 5'4''. i would hardly consider myself fat. she denies it today, but any female knows that any insinuation that one needs to drop even a pound is just someone asking for trouble. then my cousin comes over today. she's six. i'm in a horrible mood from the get-go this morning based on everything i just typed. and i have to play off totally cool or at least try to and it doesn't work so well making me look like "the bad guy" because my mom actually restrains herself in front of her. meanwhile previous to her arrival she is just throwing childish bullets at me and when i look at back her and i'm at this point biting my tongue-fuming, she just points at me and laughs. the thought of it honestly makes me so mad right now i just want to fucking throw something. if i didn't care about my mother and had no class, that would have been the perfect oppurtunity to slap her right across her annoying cheek, as she deserves. and i am not being a whiny baby in saying this. it's the truth. she needs to be on some form of anxiety medication because her insanity has got me on edge. i get the backlash of EVERYTHING that is stressing her out which in turn stresses me out and makes for two huge bitches in the same house ranting back and forth. and i don't have a car currently to even have the option to leave. ahhhhhhh!!!!! i just want to go to work and things to not be shitty. aside from all of that, i am great.
i don't know.
12.23.08 (1:54 am) [edit]you know what? i have always looked the same. when i was depressed everyone told me how pretty i was and how i should model and such. i'm not bragging, i promise, it's just facts. i had the same heart, same outside appearence as i do now. i just have confidence now. and let me tell you, women ARE VICIOUS when you're not depressed and you are pretty as well. most are anyway. to you women i don't have advice to give or remarks to make...just i find it disgusting that it is this way. and MEN, you are no better. pretty girl, no confidence. GOLDMINE, huh? and not anymore. disappointment.
Wish Me Love A Wishing Well To Kiss And Tell
12.02.08 (1:39 am) [edit]By no means does this make for an interesting read, but have you ever felt so pleased with the way things are going for yourself that you'd just like to give the world a hug and a ridiculously huge grin? If that were possible. I've changed so many aspects of my life and the change in myself is absolutely astonishing. I plan to continue improving and only hope I have an ounce of this feeling inside of me for a while. I've come to accept a lot of things that are not in my hands. I, for the most part of my life, was convinced it was ME that was wrong with this world. Or within my tiny world. Quite the contrary. It's possible nothing was ever terribly wrong at all...I just needed to shake myself silly and apply common knowledge and logic to a lot of situations in which I continuously was putting myself in. For starters, when you realize the guy that you are dating is a complete piece of low-life shit, LEAVE. By all means don't continue to associate with him and his friends of the same nature. Just something small I have learned. I no longer want to have such negative influences in my life. I made that decision. It was hard, but this is the best I've felt in so long. I am almost waiting for something bad to come along (the natural pessimist within me coming out). Dear God Person...amazing :)
question...
11.18.08 (1:07 am) [edit]ah, how do you make decent friends in a small town? i don't think i have any.
is it l-o-v-e?
11.09.08 (7:37 pm) [edit]i'm really gonna miss you already. and i'm sorry i'm manic, but glad you somehow don't mind. i had too much fun this weekend. really i did. thursday night...us going to the tavern then your house. you had lost weight and looked so cute when i showed up at your house pre-tavern. the next day, friday, was the best by far. going to cracker barrel. laughing my ass off at you (and me:) the entire day the getting off from work and us just tackling one another until it became impossible to breathe from laughter or the fact that i was just out of breath or both. seeing the oscar meyer weiner truck and making a point to stop and get a picture by it. gosh, i can't wait til next time.
girly guy stuff.
11.02.08 (10:12 pm) [edit]alright, so i absolutely take things for granted sometimes. i miss my dearest michael like crazy and have to refrain as hard as possible from showing that at all to him, or others for that matter. i never thought those words would come out of my mouth seeing as i spent majority of the summer and part of fall trying to escape his clingy tendencies. i've actually made the statement to my mom and confidant "i almost wish him and his ex would get back together to get him off me for a while." i completely retract that statement. he told me he was coming down home this coming weekend from school and staying until sunday night i'm guessing. ahh, it can't get here soon enough. i miss my best friend. i miss someone laughing with me hysterically that has the same, identical sense of humor as i do. i want to say i miss my drinking buddy, but i've stopped all of that as stated in 2 blogs previous to this. the problem with this thing is...i'm not sexually attracted to this person. i'm just not. i do find him at times physically very attractive, but i swear it's so hard for me to find him sexually attractive. by that i mean, i really cannot get turned on, for lack of a better phrase, by him. he tries to kiss me and all i'm thinking is ..."please let's get this over with. oh, and really don't try to take it further than this." weird i know. i dunno what's up with that. maybe because i've always been into very thin guys and he's just average-ish. or he's not as masculine. i'm not sure.
