Weirdsville
06.30.04 (4:17 pm) [edit]
This has been a weird day. I think just because it's been so dark because of the weather, I swear it's rained and/or stormed for the past month, and according to the local weather person, it's supposed to do the same thing for the next ten days, what the hell's going on. I've thought about maybe the world is finally coming to an end, or just Tennessee anyways, or possibly the resurrection of the Lord in tn, very unlikely but hey. So this morning I actually got up early, like 6am, a very very rare thing for me during the summer. I was in the middle of watching A Night at the Roxbury around 9-ish when the power went out, Totally pissed I was. It was like sprinkling though, so I don't know what the deal was, I heard a huge shotgunnish-sounding boom outside so I figure one of the transformers went out or whatever. It took 2 hours to come back on!! So, in the meantime I went and sat outside on my porch and ate some chips, which were very good by the way with my ranch dip. It eventually got really stormy though, I watched it, it was very cool, for some reason I got excited waiting for it to thunder after each lightning strike.
So yesterday was the big senior pictures day. It actually went pretty well, alot better than I was expecting. I had like 8 thousand made so it took awhile, and for some reason one of the photographers, a male in approximately his mid 50s to early 60s, thought it would make a cute picture if I took off my shoes and rolled around in the grass. What a nut, but I did it anyways, I was trying to refrain from laughing so there was alot of lip-biting goin on. Just so you know, that's my defense mechanism for trying to avoid laughing, I don't know why I do it, but it works kinda, I just look like I'm having body spasms, b/c I shake when I laugh also.
When I was leaving the little photo studio place, this gangster-esque black guy walked by me and he had a fork in his hand which he proceeded to hit me on the back with. I just turned around and gave him the evil eye and he just stared back, what a weirdo. It pissed my mom off and she started to chase him but I convinced her not to to save her own life, and me of extreme embarassment.
But we're having hamburgers for dinner and they're these really really good kind, so I'm pretty excited.
So yesterday was the big senior pictures day. It actually went pretty well, alot better than I was expecting. I had like 8 thousand made so it took awhile, and for some reason one of the photographers, a male in approximately his mid 50s to early 60s, thought it would make a cute picture if I took off my shoes and rolled around in the grass. What a nut, but I did it anyways, I was trying to refrain from laughing so there was alot of lip-biting goin on. Just so you know, that's my defense mechanism for trying to avoid laughing, I don't know why I do it, but it works kinda, I just look like I'm having body spasms, b/c I shake when I laugh also.
When I was leaving the little photo studio place, this gangster-esque black guy walked by me and he had a fork in his hand which he proceeded to hit me on the back with. I just turned around and gave him the evil eye and he just stared back, what a weirdo. It pissed my mom off and she started to chase him but I convinced her not to to save her own life, and me of extreme embarassment.
But we're having hamburgers for dinner and they're these really really good kind, so I'm pretty excited.
Bad Obsession
06.28.04 (7:50 pm) [edit]
Tomorrow I have to go have my senior pictures made, and I'm kind of dreading it. I don't hate having my picture taken, but I don't necessarily like it either. And plus, these pictures are like the most important pictures I've ever had to take, because when I look back twenty years from now and show my kids, it will all be based on how I looked in my senior pictures, so that adds quite a bit of pressure. I have a huge mosquito bite on the side of my face and I pray to God that it miraculously goes away before tomorrow or something, because it looks like I have herpes of the face, which is not how I want to remember myself looking as a senior.
Tonight's been kind of a dreary, boring night for me, as are most nights, though. I've just been cleaning alot and doing alot of laundry and stuff. My aunt showed up at my house today and called me on her cell phone while she was in my driveway and told me to come outside because she had a surprise for me. Well I was naked at the moment so I told her to hold on b/c I had to get some clothes on b/c i'd just gotten out of the shower so she said she'd just leave it on the doorstep. I was totally expecting some Krispy Kreme donuts b/c she had like 2 boxes of them at her house a few weekends ago when I was over there and I ate like 12 of them, 12 donuts that is. Ok, to my complete surprise it was a paper shredder, how sweet. I have no idea why she purchased this with me in mind, but I've been shredding away all afternoon, so I can't complain.
I have been in a really wierd mood all day long, who knows why, I don't. As long as I'm not talking or associating with any human being I'm fine, just don't talk to me. And I hate it when people take it personally, like my Mom called me today and I just talked to her in this monotoned voice using only 2-3 letter words, those being- ok, yes, no, bye. She was all pissed off because she doesn't like it when i'm in bad moods, I don't blame her though. And like 2 of my friends called me today but I didn't answer to spare them of my crankiness, I wouldn't want to talk to me today, so I figured they wouldn't either.
But I think that I'm officially addicted to 2 things, The Style Network and shoes. I watch the style network constantly, I've memorized the whole programming schedule, I feel like a total loser, but hey, it keeps me amused because it combines 2 of my many obsessions in one, which as I mentioned above is the channel itself and shoes. Some of my other addictions include- the color red, Axl Rose, Conan O'brien, chocolate milk, chocolate chip cookies (i'm known as "the cookie girl" by the lovely employees at Burger King b/c that's all I ever order there, most don't even know that they are on the menu, oh but I do), and cowboy boots.
I'm going to try to not nap tonight which I usually do only by accident while watching tv in the dark, but I'm refraining from doing either tonight. I want to be in bed by 10:30 because for some reason waking up late makes me feel like such a productiveless lazy-ass. So I'm going to try to be up at like 8 or so.
Tonight's been kind of a dreary, boring night for me, as are most nights, though. I've just been cleaning alot and doing alot of laundry and stuff. My aunt showed up at my house today and called me on her cell phone while she was in my driveway and told me to come outside because she had a surprise for me. Well I was naked at the moment so I told her to hold on b/c I had to get some clothes on b/c i'd just gotten out of the shower so she said she'd just leave it on the doorstep. I was totally expecting some Krispy Kreme donuts b/c she had like 2 boxes of them at her house a few weekends ago when I was over there and I ate like 12 of them, 12 donuts that is. Ok, to my complete surprise it was a paper shredder, how sweet. I have no idea why she purchased this with me in mind, but I've been shredding away all afternoon, so I can't complain.
I have been in a really wierd mood all day long, who knows why, I don't. As long as I'm not talking or associating with any human being I'm fine, just don't talk to me. And I hate it when people take it personally, like my Mom called me today and I just talked to her in this monotoned voice using only 2-3 letter words, those being- ok, yes, no, bye. She was all pissed off because she doesn't like it when i'm in bad moods, I don't blame her though. And like 2 of my friends called me today but I didn't answer to spare them of my crankiness, I wouldn't want to talk to me today, so I figured they wouldn't either.
But I think that I'm officially addicted to 2 things, The Style Network and shoes. I watch the style network constantly, I've memorized the whole programming schedule, I feel like a total loser, but hey, it keeps me amused because it combines 2 of my many obsessions in one, which as I mentioned above is the channel itself and shoes. Some of my other addictions include- the color red, Axl Rose, Conan O'brien, chocolate milk, chocolate chip cookies (i'm known as "the cookie girl" by the lovely employees at Burger King b/c that's all I ever order there, most don't even know that they are on the menu, oh but I do), and cowboy boots.
I'm going to try to not nap tonight which I usually do only by accident while watching tv in the dark, but I'm refraining from doing either tonight. I want to be in bed by 10:30 because for some reason waking up late makes me feel like such a productiveless lazy-ass. So I'm going to try to be up at like 8 or so.
Oh What A Night...Not
06.28.04 (1:01 am) [edit]
It's currently 1:41 am and I'm bored out of my mind, actually I'm not that bored but pretty bored. I'm not tired though, probably b/c i napped tonight, which is something i have a horrible habit of doing and really need to stop because I become an insomniac when it comes bedtime, not that i have one. But I'll probably be up tonight til about 4 or 5 atleast. Today I did pretty much nothing worth mentioning, just layed around and watched lots of tv. I dont do that alot actually so I don't feel like a lazy ass though that's what I am. I hate sundays nights tv-wise, there's nothing on usually unless there's a movie on tbs. On weeknights I look forward to Conan and on Saturday nights there's always SNL or Mad Tv, but Sundays, nothing. There needs to be a Sunday night talk show of some sort, other than the Sunday NIGht Sex Show which I can't stand to watch because of the 108 year-old host.
A really creepy thing happened the other day, like on Thursday I think. Me and my best friend had gone to take some of my clothes to Goodwill and there was this guy working there who looked early 20s maybe. I was filling out this form that I had to fill out and he was just standing there lurking over me. He said, "so, how old are you?" I said 17 and to which he replied, "just right" in the slowest, lowest, creepiest voice ever. I said, "for what, to donate stuff" and he just walked off totally pissed. What a creepo. He was actually kinda cute til he said that.
Anyways, I wanna get outta this town so bad, I really really do. It's so so small and gross. I know I've never lived in the city but I feel like a city girl. Every time I go on vacation to even a semi-city it feels so wonderful, so I know that im definately getting the -h-e-double hockey stick outta here as soon as I possibly can afford to. Who knows when that may be though, could be years or even decades. I really hope not decades though, I would be a huge sad ass if it took that long. I wanna move to Hawaii, that's my dream place, it sounds lovely from what I have heard. My dad used to live there before I was born and he always talks about how great it was there and how beautiful it was. I think I wanna work on a cruise ship, that would be so awesome.
A really creepy thing happened the other day, like on Thursday I think. Me and my best friend had gone to take some of my clothes to Goodwill and there was this guy working there who looked early 20s maybe. I was filling out this form that I had to fill out and he was just standing there lurking over me. He said, "so, how old are you?" I said 17 and to which he replied, "just right" in the slowest, lowest, creepiest voice ever. I said, "for what, to donate stuff" and he just walked off totally pissed. What a creepo. He was actually kinda cute til he said that.
Anyways, I wanna get outta this town so bad, I really really do. It's so so small and gross. I know I've never lived in the city but I feel like a city girl. Every time I go on vacation to even a semi-city it feels so wonderful, so I know that im definately getting the -h-e-double hockey stick outta here as soon as I possibly can afford to. Who knows when that may be though, could be years or even decades. I really hope not decades though, I would be a huge sad ass if it took that long. I wanna move to Hawaii, that's my dream place, it sounds lovely from what I have heard. My dad used to live there before I was born and he always talks about how great it was there and how beautiful it was. I think I wanna work on a cruise ship, that would be so awesome.
Shame On Me
06.27.04 (12:59 am) [edit]
I did something I really really regret doing with a guy a few months ago, like in February. Something I really really really regret, not sex, but stuff, and I can't take it back. I don't even like the guy, I liked him for like 2 days but he caught me at an incredibly weak moment in my life where I basically had no self-esteem whatsoever. He promised to me like 48 times that he wouldn't ever tell anyone, and I said I wouldn't either. I've never gone out with him since that night, mainly because I didn't even like him to begin with, but also because I felt so gross and ashamed of myself. And the reason I believed he wouldn't tell anyone was because he's like extremely religious and goes to this christian school and goes to church every day of the week, and listens to gospel music. But the fact that he's a guy eventually came into play and I found out tonight that he'd told some people, a lot of people in fact. The other night he called me and it makes me nautious to talk to him, but I asked him if he's told anyone, i even said that i wouldnt be mad if he had, just so he would tell me if he had. He said no, and he swore he hadn't. I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should confront him about it, or just never talk to him again, because I really wish i could just forget it ever happened. Should I bitch him out, but then he'll tell even more people because I had pissed him off. Or should I spread stuff about him, that's what I'd really like to do, that bastard. And it totally hurt me b/c i used to be the biggest good girl in school and i was almost embarassed of that reputation, but now i'd give anything to have it back. I know I'm not a slut, but right now I feel like one, or feel like everyone else thinks i am. The 1 person I really didn't want to find out though was my best friend, and he told her. I denied it, but she and everyone else could tell it was pretty obvious that I was lying. When they confronted me about it I just stood there and stared at them thinking , "oh fuck, what to say, what to say". I couldn't think of anything to say because I was so uncomfortable and nervous and I'd never been in that situation before. The guy that confronted me about it in a group of about 6 people said, "so are you and so and so still messing around" I just stood there, i wanted to die, i couldnt even react. I gave a look like, are you retarted. And my best friend just looked at me and i just said after like the longest 60 seconds in the world, "uh he just came over to my house once and tried to make out with me, and it was the grossest moment of my life ever". God, thats like the one thing ive ever done that ive really really really truly regreted and wish i could take back, b/c i dont care what people think about me, i dont care if they think im a drunky, a loser, a bitch, a person who laughs way to much for there own good, or whatever, (though im only one of those things), but the one thing i never ever want people to think about me is that im easy or a slut. Gross, I need to go take a shower.
Ok anyways, lets move on to a lighter subject shall we. I saw The Notebook last night, it was possibly one of the greatest movies i've ever seen. I cried for like 20 minutes straight, im not talking a tear here and there, i mean like blubbering. And my friend would just look at me b/c she didnt shed even 1 tear and we would both start laughing hysterically. People thought we were laughing at the movie and were getting pissed b/c its obviously not a comedy. Anyways, I highly recommend going and seeing no matter who you are, I don't see how you couldn't love it, and this is coming from a girl who thinks the greatest movie ever made is Dumb and Dumber.
Oh and yesterday I went to see a psychotherapist for the first time ever, and it was great. I wish I could go see one every day, I feel so much better afterwards. But its sooooo costly, its nuts. But I'm on 2 new medications, one is like for depression but its twice the amount i've been taking, and the other is for anxiety and stress relief b/c lately ive been having this chronic 24/7 headache of worrying about basically nothing worth worrying over. So apparently I'm more mentally challenged than I thought, but if you ask me I have good reason to be. I won't go into it though b/c it would bore everyone if i just started from when i was born and stuff. So I guess I'll hit the sack now, not that I'm tired but i'm just bored to death.
Peace Out ~Shana~
Ok anyways, lets move on to a lighter subject shall we. I saw The Notebook last night, it was possibly one of the greatest movies i've ever seen. I cried for like 20 minutes straight, im not talking a tear here and there, i mean like blubbering. And my friend would just look at me b/c she didnt shed even 1 tear and we would both start laughing hysterically. People thought we were laughing at the movie and were getting pissed b/c its obviously not a comedy. Anyways, I highly recommend going and seeing no matter who you are, I don't see how you couldn't love it, and this is coming from a girl who thinks the greatest movie ever made is Dumb and Dumber.
Oh and yesterday I went to see a psychotherapist for the first time ever, and it was great. I wish I could go see one every day, I feel so much better afterwards. But its sooooo costly, its nuts. But I'm on 2 new medications, one is like for depression but its twice the amount i've been taking, and the other is for anxiety and stress relief b/c lately ive been having this chronic 24/7 headache of worrying about basically nothing worth worrying over. So apparently I'm more mentally challenged than I thought, but if you ask me I have good reason to be. I won't go into it though b/c it would bore everyone if i just started from when i was born and stuff. So I guess I'll hit the sack now, not that I'm tired but i'm just bored to death.
Peace Out ~Shana~
Stupid People
06.20.04 (11:53 pm) [edit]
I so wish i could stop being so stressed out for no reason at all. I have like a perminant headache just for thinking to hard about stuff that doesn't even really matter, I really wish i knew how to not think about stuff.
So anyways, this guy called me last night about midnight, and i find him to be incredibly uninteresting or funny or any other qualities i like in a person. And he's like grossly obsessed with me and i dont like people like that, it makes them look like sad asses whether they actually are or not. He's asked me out probably once a week since february and ive had an excuse everytime, yet he still thinks he has a chance. And i've had to make up reasons why i can't go out with him so many times, that ive just started giving him ridiculous excuses, hoping that it'll click that i dont like him b/c my niceness method obviously isn't working that well. So, for example, last time he called and asked me out i told him i couldnt go b/c i have to go to my family's annual chicken fest. And he goes ''ok call me when you get back'' - hahaha. Next time he calls i have my next 2 excuses ready - excuse number 1..."sorry i can't go out with you tonight b/c my family's having their annual i dont want to go out with you, you fucking retard fest" ....
or - reason number 2...."i was doing a little self discovering last night and figured out i was a raging lesbo''.
So anyways, this guy called me last night about midnight, and i find him to be incredibly uninteresting or funny or any other qualities i like in a person. And he's like grossly obsessed with me and i dont like people like that, it makes them look like sad asses whether they actually are or not. He's asked me out probably once a week since february and ive had an excuse everytime, yet he still thinks he has a chance. And i've had to make up reasons why i can't go out with him so many times, that ive just started giving him ridiculous excuses, hoping that it'll click that i dont like him b/c my niceness method obviously isn't working that well. So, for example, last time he called and asked me out i told him i couldnt go b/c i have to go to my family's annual chicken fest. And he goes ''ok call me when you get back'' - hahaha. Next time he calls i have my next 2 excuses ready - excuse number 1..."sorry i can't go out with you tonight b/c my family's having their annual i dont want to go out with you, you fucking retard fest" ....
or - reason number 2...."i was doing a little self discovering last night and figured out i was a raging lesbo''.
Beautiful Boots
06.20.04 (3:51 pm) [edit]
Yay! I was the highest bidder on these gorgeous black cowboy boots on ebay that i've wanted so badly for the longest time. I love cowboy boots, i want them in every color. They're not like rodeo cowboyish, they're more metro cowboyish, well they're Kenneth Cole anyways. Ooh but what i hate clotheswise is pastel colors, gross. The only color that i really like to wear is red, its the greatest color in the world. I also wear black, white, and sometimes navy. Other than that i pretty much hate to wear any other colors. The grossest color ever though is pink. I think i may be the only girl in the world that feels this way, but i would kill myself before wearing it. It looks nauseating on me, maybe thats why.
We're having steaks for dinner which means i'm excited. I love steaks, especially really rare bloody ones.
We're having steaks for dinner which means i'm excited. I love steaks, especially really rare bloody ones.
So Long
06.19.04 (10:39 pm) [edit]
Hey it's five minutes later from my last blog and I'm now in the typing mood. I just got finished eating the former best ice cream ever, Moose Tracks, which i used to love, then i don't know what happened but they took out the "moose tracks'' part of the ice cream. It sucks, i dont know what the hell happened, so now since it doesn't contain what the title clearly suggests that it does, i guess they should take off the moose and the tracks and it shouldnt have a name b/c thats what it is now, or should i say what its not. Sorry if im babbling, its just been a rough night for yours truly, i'm not going to talk about it though b/c i realized that just based on all the other blogs ive ever written, it sounds like all of my nights are rough, which is totally not true, but the only time i feel like blogging is when they are.
I really wanna spend tomorrow doing absolutely nothing, but whenever i do that i end up feeling like such a lazy ass loser, which is not a good feeling, so I guess I'll do something to make myself feel useful such as getting the weekly supply of groceries which i like doing b/c i get whatever i want, and though my mom gets pissed b/c i get a bunch of stuff thats about as healthy as a bucket of lard, what the f can she do about it, absolutely nothing. Speaking of which, i love my mom. I think she's so cool and funny, probably b/c we're just alike. We used to never get along at all and we would get in these huge fights over stupid shit that would end up in her threatening to shove her fist down my throat if i said another word and me destructing my room by throwing non-destructive stuff such as bottles of body lotion. But now that we do get along i think shes the greatest person ever.
Did anyone watch the movie awards on mtv? I hate eminem, hes so ugly and gross and untalented, i dont know how any human being can actually enjoy any of his shit. Anyways, i didnt see the actual performance but i saw the previews of where he dressed up as Axl Rose aka the most beautiful and talented man in the history of the world previous to the 2002 vmas. I know many people beg to differ but dont try to convince me that he's not because in my mind its a fact not an opinion so you will never ever ever make me change the way i feel about that. And I hate people who try to tell how good so and so is like they compare them to guns n roses like there even close, like they shouldnt be in the same damn sentence as gn'r. Example the other day my friend, ok get this shit, was trying to tell me how much cooler Fefe Dobson was than axl rose!?! Fefe Fuck? Nothing pisses me off more than someone who will sit and argue with me about good music, but anything they mention is like the worst bands and/or singers ever. I'm the most opinionated person in the world when it comes to what good music is and isn't so in the words of a sad ass "dont even get me started''. Ahh, anyways, sorry if nothing ive said has made any sense at all but ive just been typing away about randomness.
Peace Out ~SHana~
I really wanna spend tomorrow doing absolutely nothing, but whenever i do that i end up feeling like such a lazy ass loser, which is not a good feeling, so I guess I'll do something to make myself feel useful such as getting the weekly supply of groceries which i like doing b/c i get whatever i want, and though my mom gets pissed b/c i get a bunch of stuff thats about as healthy as a bucket of lard, what the f can she do about it, absolutely nothing. Speaking of which, i love my mom. I think she's so cool and funny, probably b/c we're just alike. We used to never get along at all and we would get in these huge fights over stupid shit that would end up in her threatening to shove her fist down my throat if i said another word and me destructing my room by throwing non-destructive stuff such as bottles of body lotion. But now that we do get along i think shes the greatest person ever.
Did anyone watch the movie awards on mtv? I hate eminem, hes so ugly and gross and untalented, i dont know how any human being can actually enjoy any of his shit. Anyways, i didnt see the actual performance but i saw the previews of where he dressed up as Axl Rose aka the most beautiful and talented man in the history of the world previous to the 2002 vmas. I know many people beg to differ but dont try to convince me that he's not because in my mind its a fact not an opinion so you will never ever ever make me change the way i feel about that. And I hate people who try to tell how good so and so is like they compare them to guns n roses like there even close, like they shouldnt be in the same damn sentence as gn'r. Example the other day my friend, ok get this shit, was trying to tell me how much cooler Fefe Dobson was than axl rose!?! Fefe Fuck? Nothing pisses me off more than someone who will sit and argue with me about good music, but anything they mention is like the worst bands and/or singers ever. I'm the most opinionated person in the world when it comes to what good music is and isn't so in the words of a sad ass "dont even get me started''. Ahh, anyways, sorry if nothing ive said has made any sense at all but ive just been typing away about randomness.
Peace Out ~SHana~
Weird City
06.10.04 (12:09 am) [edit]
Ok the weirdest thing in the world just happened to me. I was sitting at my computer browsing ebay and i was listening to the song patience. And suddenly, I went deaf in one ear and this little continous beep was all i heard, it was like in my ear. It's really trippy, I don't know wtf just happened.
Almost Me
06.09.04 (11:31 pm) [edit]
I know it's been a pretty good while since I've "blogged" but I have been extremely busy so I will try to catch everyone up on basically nothing. Ok well I got outta school almost a month ago so I've finally can let go of all my school "troubles". I've actually improved so much though in the mental department, like I've not felt so pressured to be someone I'm not, i guess you could say. I've never been one of those people who tried to be someone else, I guess b/c I was pretty happy with myself, I think I'm the coolest person ever and that's all that should matter, right? Well basically everything started when I became extremely infatuated and in love with this guy. So much, that I couldn't concentrate on anything, and it was the first real relationship I had ever had so all of these feelings were new to me. But I think the thing that officially "depressed" me was knowing that I let a guy basically take over every second of my day. Most would say this sounds pretty normal when your in love or whatever, but it made me feel weak and vulnerable as a person. Which is something I'd definately never been, and so it eventually took its toll on me when things didn't work out between us so I no longer had anything to be excited about, or thats what I thought anyway. And the reason this hit me so extremely hard was b/c I promised myself and I just knew that I would never ever be one of those stupid girls who are obsessed with their bf's and become paranoid at the smallest things. I was like the spokeswoman for that kind of person, I had always been single, though i secretly wanted a bf, but i never thought i would care this much for a person, but i did. So it made me feel like the lowest stupidest person in the world which is why ive been extremely depressed for the past 8 months. And I couldnt ever stop b/c i had to see him everyday and sit beside him and know that he wanted us to be together so bad and i did too, but the reason i basically broke it off i guess was because i HATED knowing he had made me this person, this vulnerable person. So i stopped talking to him, i know he still cares about me, and i do care for him still too, alot more than he thinks. But i couldnt bring myself to talk to him all year long b/c i wasn't myself. But anyways, enough of that shit. I'm very slowly starting to feel better, i think anyways. Like i'll be fine for a few days then horrible the next few then just mediocre, and so on. But i have an appt. with a phsychotherapist at the end of this month, THANK GOD. So hopefully i can get back to normal, normal for me anyways, and my blogs won't sound so phsyco-ish. Oh and last Friday, I laughed, like a real laugh, something i hadnt been able to do in about 6 months, It was a great moment for me.
So anyways, i apologize for anyone who has actually gotten to this point of the blog for being so extremely long, and saying the same things ive said in the past nine thousand blogs.
Peace Out ~Shana~
So anyways, i apologize for anyone who has actually gotten to this point of the blog for being so extremely long, and saying the same things ive said in the past nine thousand blogs.
Peace Out ~Shana~
