Vindication
07.27.04 (10:10 pm) [edit]
Hey party peeps, hope all's well in everybody's world, it is in mine currently for the first time in forever. I actually had an unusually ok maybe even good day. I didn't really do much today, maybe that's why it was good, but I went to one of my friend's b-day gathering of sorts at Pizza hut, it was so much fun, for me anyways...I accidentally through like half of her bday cake on the floor, don't ask...it's not a long story or anything but there was just no reason for it so I wouldn't be able to answer. Anyways, I came home tonight afterwards and watched Outback Jack and Sex In The City, had never watched either really. Mr Jack is sooo sexy but those girls are so stupid, pretty though. I found Sex In The City surprisingly amusing, totally wasn't expecting it, though. Anyways I 'm off too bed, my handy dandy sleeping pills are kicking in, nighty night.
Peace Out ~Shana~
Peace Out ~Shana~
Vacay Recap
07.23.04 (7:22 pm) [edit]
So I went on my second vacation of the summer, it was actually quite enjoyable, more so then I was expecting anyways. I had a lot of fun the first two days especially, I was just in higher spirits those days. Sunday we left at 4am, it took us 7 hours to get there, the trip went pretty smoothly I guess. It was 4 people that went- my best friend, her mom, and this other girl that invited herself, let’s just call her my ex-best friend. All she does is complain, talk about herself, play with her belly-button ring, or talk about her loser jail-bound boyfriend of a year. I had to sit in the back seat with her the whole way there and back and it was not a wonderful experience considering I can’t stand the bitch. She’s never really done anything to me, she’s just not my type of people, or a person I enjoy being around. Ok now I will try to recall some good memories of the trip.
We all went to this store that had all these sea-animal hand puppets and me and my friend put on a gay puppet porno for everyone, I was literally in the floor laughing...it was great. Um, the first day we were there I met two really hot, semi-cool guys on the beach, we talked for a while and I never saw them again after that. Oh and we were in this other store and they had these fart machines and me and my best friend went around the store with it, and I went up to this really hot guy while he was on his cell phone and let one rip (a fake one that is) and he was trying so hard not to laugh, it was great, I just walked off as if I didn’t know what had happened, though we were the only two people on the isle. Anyways, all fun things must come to an end, or so the saying goes so we came home yesterday and I’m actually really happy to be home, I missed my mom as lame as that sounds. I know she missed me a lot too, because it’s just me and her, and when I’m not here she said she wakes up in the morning and cries because she misses me so much, so I feel really bad leaving her for a week alone while I’m living it up on the beach somewhere. We have this amazing bond that I’m really proud of, because she’s more my best friend than anything, I used to be embarrassed about it until I realized it was a really rare, but good thing. Anyways, I have nothing left to write about for now, I apologize for the long time no write period.
Peace Out ~Shana~
We all went to this store that had all these sea-animal hand puppets and me and my friend put on a gay puppet porno for everyone, I was literally in the floor laughing...it was great. Um, the first day we were there I met two really hot, semi-cool guys on the beach, we talked for a while and I never saw them again after that. Oh and we were in this other store and they had these fart machines and me and my best friend went around the store with it, and I went up to this really hot guy while he was on his cell phone and let one rip (a fake one that is) and he was trying so hard not to laugh, it was great, I just walked off as if I didn’t know what had happened, though we were the only two people on the isle. Anyways, all fun things must come to an end, or so the saying goes so we came home yesterday and I’m actually really happy to be home, I missed my mom as lame as that sounds. I know she missed me a lot too, because it’s just me and her, and when I’m not here she said she wakes up in the morning and cries because she misses me so much, so I feel really bad leaving her for a week alone while I’m living it up on the beach somewhere. We have this amazing bond that I’m really proud of, because she’s more my best friend than anything, I used to be embarrassed about it until I realized it was a really rare, but good thing. Anyways, I have nothing left to write about for now, I apologize for the long time no write period.
Peace Out ~Shana~
SHOTGUN BLUES
07.10.04 (9:13 pm) [edit]
I’m really debating on whether or not I need to go on my vacation with my best friend and her family, they’re leaving next Saturday so I kind of need to hurry up and decide. It’s just some days I’m great, some days I’m mediocre, and some days I feel like shit..like really really shitty to the point where I can’t even really function or associate with a human being...which is not a good thing when you’re on vacation and you have to spend every waking and sleeping moment with about 6 people in the same hotel room. Damnit, if only I didn’t have these worries, a year ago this was never ever a problem for me, I had the most normal happy pappy life ever, I just wish things could be less complicated, that I could just stay in one state of mind like I used to up until I was 17. I miss those days...sometimes I wonder if my life will ever be like that again, if I’ll ever be truly happy again, for longer than a day or two anyways. And when I say happy, I don’t necessarily mean all smiles, everything’s perfect, no worries, no fights...but just being able to me myself, my old self, is what I consider happy. I’m getting closer and closer though, closer than I’ve been in oh, 8 or 9 months. But I just wish I didn’t have to worry about it, I wish I could just erase it from my past, and live as if it had never happened, it’s such a huge void, I wonder if I’ll ever truly recover. Most would say just snap out of it, move on, start over...you have no idea how many times I’ve tried...it’s WAY harder than it sounds, for me it is anyways. But hey...at least I’m not worsening which I guess is a great thing, I guess I should just let nature take it’s course because I know that this is all happening for a reason, I’m not sure what right now, but some day I will understand, I hope. I hope that someday I can look back on my traumatic teen years and it just be a distant memory, something I overcame and moved past to be the adult I want to be. I’m not saying I don’t expect problems, I just really truly hope that I never have to get as low over something again in my life, actually I guess that would be my biggest fear probably...being so depressed I have no sense of who I am or who I used to be, that’s a very sad feeling, the lowest point in my life thus far, undoubtedly. Sometimes I cringe thinking about having to go back to school at the end of summer and face everyone, I wonder if it will all come back as soon as I enter the school, I pray every day and night that it doesn’t. I miss having fun with all my old friends that I’ve lost sooo bad, I miss them sooo much, in a way I sense they miss me, too. But I guess I should just try to enjoy each single moment in the present instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future which is what I find myself doing way too often.
RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO HELL
07.09.04 (1:55 am) [edit]
So I once again, for the third night in a row, went to bed before midnight, something very rare for me especially during the summer...and once again, I woke up almost exactly 2 hours later as have I for the past 3 nights, with this crazy headache-ish feeling, like my life's about to end or I'm about to go nuts, though I know neither one of those is true, atleast the first one, but the feelings of which are still there just the same so I guess in a way it's just as bad. I apologize for people who hate reading blogs about people complaining about their lives and stuff but I would like to clear something up...I'm not complaining. I'm just stating how it is...sure I wish it would stop, but for some reason writing about this shit seems to calm me down momentarily.
Hmmm...let's talk about good things, shall we? Let's see, my hair smells unusually good for 2:42am and I'm wearing the coolest long johns ever. I'm freezing!! It's approximately 80 degrees out but the house is an iceberg. I hope it storms again today...I've actually grown used to it so when it doesn't I almost miss it, like it's stormed for like the past month pretty much every day or atleast looked like it's going to, and yesterday it was really bright and sunny and beautiful out, but I found myself longing for the clouds...it's calming or something.
Oh, I was trying to go one full day without watching tv and I had managed all day until I was getting ready to go to bed and I walked in my Mom's room to tell her goodnight and she happened to be watching QVC and this nut was hosting...it was so funny I couldn't leave the room and I completely forgot about my little tv fast...there were two women hosting actually and one was talking about the product (ducks on lillypads collage), and the other woman just yells "helloooooo" for no apparent reason, in kind of a Mrs. Doubtfirey voice...I momentarily found myself on the ground laughing hysterically. Speaking of Mrs. Doubtfire, that movie totally doesn't get the comedic praise it deserves...such a great movie.
Hmmm...let's talk about good things, shall we? Let's see, my hair smells unusually good for 2:42am and I'm wearing the coolest long johns ever. I'm freezing!! It's approximately 80 degrees out but the house is an iceberg. I hope it storms again today...I've actually grown used to it so when it doesn't I almost miss it, like it's stormed for like the past month pretty much every day or atleast looked like it's going to, and yesterday it was really bright and sunny and beautiful out, but I found myself longing for the clouds...it's calming or something.
Oh, I was trying to go one full day without watching tv and I had managed all day until I was getting ready to go to bed and I walked in my Mom's room to tell her goodnight and she happened to be watching QVC and this nut was hosting...it was so funny I couldn't leave the room and I completely forgot about my little tv fast...there were two women hosting actually and one was talking about the product (ducks on lillypads collage), and the other woman just yells "helloooooo" for no apparent reason, in kind of a Mrs. Doubtfirey voice...I momentarily found myself on the ground laughing hysterically. Speaking of Mrs. Doubtfire, that movie totally doesn't get the comedic praise it deserves...such a great movie.
Garden of Eden
07.08.04 (3:40 am) [edit]
For some reason I just can’t seem to get the song “Garden of Eden’‘ stuck out of my head, “it’s a critical solution and the east coast got the blues, it’s a mass of confusion like the lies they sell to you....lost in the garden of eden...it’s not a problem you can stop it’s rock n roll ...suck on that” keeps replaying over and over again, I like that song, I’d never payed it much attention until the behind the music.
So I went to be d tonight...actually last night, about 11 and I woke up at 1:30 feeling horrible with this crazy headache that’s just caused by me thinking about stuff, not even worrying, just thinking. How can a human being not think...is it possible, if so I need to take that class. I’ve been up ever since basically doing nothing but surfing the net a.k.a the most boring thing in the world, but there’s nothing on tv and plus even if there was I wouldn’t be able to see it because I’m currently not wearing my contacts, and I haven’t purchased any prescription glasses since the third grade, and my head has gotten considerably bigger since then, as have my eyes worsened. “It’s a critical solution...” it won’t stop, I love that song, I have to hear it or I’ll go nuts.
So anyways, I can’t quite pinpoint what’s plaguing me but something is, I have to figure it out because I feel so stressed. That’s why my problems are so complicated, I think anyways, because most people at least know what it is that’s bothering them, not me...I get the feelings of someone that’s really disturbed over something, but I don’t know why.
My mom should be getting up to go to work in about an hour, I think I’ll go sit outside and watch the sun come up as I sip on some hot cocoa a.k.a. the greatest morning beverage ever. I would go into Texaco/Baskin Robbins and get a frappucino blast but when I get really stressed out I hate being social, at all, like I don’t wont to go anywhere unless accompanied by another, and I usually do not like associating with that person either. I hate being like this...maybe I need a higher dosage of my trusty anxiety pills, I took an extra one today, I’ve been waiting for some crazy side effects but so far so good. I would go back to bed but I’ll just stare into the darkness and think about everything in the world one could think about. I wish my mom was up, like I said in my previous little blog, she is the only one really who can get me out of my little funk, she’s one of the few people that I laugh really hard with, like constantly.
So I went to be d tonight...actually last night, about 11 and I woke up at 1:30 feeling horrible with this crazy headache that’s just caused by me thinking about stuff, not even worrying, just thinking. How can a human being not think...is it possible, if so I need to take that class. I’ve been up ever since basically doing nothing but surfing the net a.k.a the most boring thing in the world, but there’s nothing on tv and plus even if there was I wouldn’t be able to see it because I’m currently not wearing my contacts, and I haven’t purchased any prescription glasses since the third grade, and my head has gotten considerably bigger since then, as have my eyes worsened. “It’s a critical solution...” it won’t stop, I love that song, I have to hear it or I’ll go nuts.
So anyways, I can’t quite pinpoint what’s plaguing me but something is, I have to figure it out because I feel so stressed. That’s why my problems are so complicated, I think anyways, because most people at least know what it is that’s bothering them, not me...I get the feelings of someone that’s really disturbed over something, but I don’t know why.
My mom should be getting up to go to work in about an hour, I think I’ll go sit outside and watch the sun come up as I sip on some hot cocoa a.k.a. the greatest morning beverage ever. I would go into Texaco/Baskin Robbins and get a frappucino blast but when I get really stressed out I hate being social, at all, like I don’t wont to go anywhere unless accompanied by another, and I usually do not like associating with that person either. I hate being like this...maybe I need a higher dosage of my trusty anxiety pills, I took an extra one today, I’ve been waiting for some crazy side effects but so far so good. I would go back to bed but I’ll just stare into the darkness and think about everything in the world one could think about. I wish my mom was up, like I said in my previous little blog, she is the only one really who can get me out of my little funk, she’s one of the few people that I laugh really hard with, like constantly.
PERFECT CRIME
07.07.04 (9:54 pm) [edit]
What a day, what a day..not. I again did nothing worth mentioning today, as do I everyday...for the most part anyways. I went to see The Notebook again Friday night, yeah it's that good. I spent all weekend anticipating the Guns n' Roses Behind the Music which premiered on Monday...I know I know, I'm totally obsessed.
My next door neighbor came back from boot camp friday night and spent the whole weekend stalking me and invading my me time, he's apparently 21, but he told me he was 19 last year so who knows, I don't really care because he doesn't interest me either way.
By the way...I've decided not to have a relationship like a real relationship until atleast mid-twenties, I'm just 80,000 times happier now that I'm "free".
I haven't really eaten too much of anything today, nor did I yesterday, I don't really know what the deal is because I'm usually such a horse, appetite-wise. I don't think I've ever not eaten this much...I'm not worried yet though.
I think I'm going on my 2nd summer vacation towards the end of this month, I'm still debating on whether or not to go, though, for 2 reasons. The first being that, well, as much as I've improved in the mental happiness department I still have these mood swings that totally set me back, and for some reason the only person that can bring me out of them is my mom. And my mom will not be going on this trip with me...so it basically just depends if I can control this or not in time to go. The other reason is that this girl might be going, and I can't stand her, she's such a girly-ass drama queen who won't shut up about her ugly boyfriend and I swear her voice sounds just like Billy Bob Thornton's. And she thinks she's really funny and she has no personality whatsoever, she's always trying to tell me these stories that are "so hilarious, oh my god" and they're oh my god, the most unhilarious stories ever... and she uses the phrase "big woopty doo" which just makes me nautious for some reason.
Oh hey I think I'm going to take up reading as my new hobby. All these people I know read and I've always thought they were huge dorks but I actually find it quite enjoyable if it's a book worth enjoying. I bought 2 on Sunday, "Dreamland" and some other book that I dont remember what it's called but it's about a boy growing up during the depression and the troubles he faces. I only like books where the story is based like in the pre- 50s, preferably 30s or 40s, I don't know why.
But I'm going to mozy off to bed I do believe.
Peace Out ~Shana~
My next door neighbor came back from boot camp friday night and spent the whole weekend stalking me and invading my me time, he's apparently 21, but he told me he was 19 last year so who knows, I don't really care because he doesn't interest me either way.
By the way...I've decided not to have a relationship like a real relationship until atleast mid-twenties, I'm just 80,000 times happier now that I'm "free".
I haven't really eaten too much of anything today, nor did I yesterday, I don't really know what the deal is because I'm usually such a horse, appetite-wise. I don't think I've ever not eaten this much...I'm not worried yet though.
I think I'm going on my 2nd summer vacation towards the end of this month, I'm still debating on whether or not to go, though, for 2 reasons. The first being that, well, as much as I've improved in the mental happiness department I still have these mood swings that totally set me back, and for some reason the only person that can bring me out of them is my mom. And my mom will not be going on this trip with me...so it basically just depends if I can control this or not in time to go. The other reason is that this girl might be going, and I can't stand her, she's such a girly-ass drama queen who won't shut up about her ugly boyfriend and I swear her voice sounds just like Billy Bob Thornton's. And she thinks she's really funny and she has no personality whatsoever, she's always trying to tell me these stories that are "so hilarious, oh my god" and they're oh my god, the most unhilarious stories ever... and she uses the phrase "big woopty doo" which just makes me nautious for some reason.
Oh hey I think I'm going to take up reading as my new hobby. All these people I know read and I've always thought they were huge dorks but I actually find it quite enjoyable if it's a book worth enjoying. I bought 2 on Sunday, "Dreamland" and some other book that I dont remember what it's called but it's about a boy growing up during the depression and the troubles he faces. I only like books where the story is based like in the pre- 50s, preferably 30s or 40s, I don't know why.
But I'm going to mozy off to bed I do believe.
Peace Out ~Shana~
