Stupid STupid STupid Long Post
03.23.05 (1:15 pm) [edit]
My mom wanted me to go get a job today...I sent her the following e-mail explaining stuff:
Hey Mama...
I feel hellacious..as usual. I hate being this way...I truly hate it. I think I need to be institutionalized...seriously...I'm nuts. Must I go join the work force today?....The question I've asked a billion times before. And I know it's hard to believe, but I hate saying that to you-- which is why I've waited until the last minute to say it to you, because I thought, maybe, just maybe...that their was a .001% chance that I'd be feeling ..hmm...not under-the-weather today...but so much for my extremely temporary and rare optimism. Oh well...let me know your thoughts on this...I will do what I have to, so don't worry about hurting my feelings...I realize I'm lazy, but I guarantee you that this time, that's not the case, because as unbelievable as it sounds...I desperately want a job just as much as you and Daddy want me to get off my ass and get one. "Laziness" would be the obvious assumption...but please understand, this time, I swear...that's not it.
That was the first e-mail I sent, to which she replied:
If you are that stressed out about just forget it!
Love you, Mama.
Love you, Mama.
To which I replied:
Mama...
Please don't be mad...I'm stressed out about EVERYTHING...that just adds to it. I don't know who I am anymore...to me I'm no one...which is the worst feeling in the world. My eyes are physically in pain from concentrating too much on trying to get better. I don't believe my pills work...I think it's just a matter of my willpower...and it takes tons...tons. I'm giving a lot right now...I'm trying so hard to get better, if I can try this hard as I'm trying now..then if only it gets me 5 minutes of happiness...it's better than trying this hard and getting nothing. I feel like I'm working harder than anyone could possibly work to get nothing. It's hard to comprehend I know, but you don't have to understand because I know it would be impossible for anyone to experience the exact same situation, and feel it the way I do...but just realize..I'm working very hard right now...though it appears to the world as if I'm just laying here, I'm desperately trying 24 hours a day to get normal. It's tiring believe it or not...very. But I don't want you to be mad...or sad...or hate me for it...or think she's so damn lazy...because it hurts me to know that especially Daddy because he really doesn't understand...it hurts me to know that you think lower of me because of this...It hurts so badly. I know I'm probably feeling sorry for myself...but I almost feel like I deserve to. I don't know how anyone survives this...and it's been taking extra hard tolls on me lately. I even got ready, put on my business suit so to speak..or some pretty, classy clothes...and had every intention of going out today to do this. But I can't ...and it makes me feel like a failure....But my biggest beyond biggest fear is that you feel that way, and think badly of me for this....I beg of you not to...please please please.
Then...She called me to tell me that 2 people at her work have to read all of the e-mails and she really appreciates me exposing everything to them...which made me feel horrible. So I sent her this email to cover everything up:
Hey...
I know I'm just being a baby because Justin just broke up with me...please disregard all of my stupid emails I sent you...I'll feel better tomorrow...and stop taking so much tylenol.
*FYI: I don't know any Justin, I have not just been dumped by anyone...and I do not take tylenol.
Currently...
03.22.05 (10:48 am) [edit]
I have no true friends as of recently...I also desperately long to be in a relationship with a guy that actually likes me for me and vice versa....I've had extreme depression for a good year and a half now because I can't live up to my own sickingly high expectations and standards...and I obviously greatly disappoint myself...so because of this I currently am taking 12 pills per day....yet I still feel relatively sane. I was really interested in this guy...like I've only been talkign to him for approx. 4 days...and he's apparently found someone else to dwell over...it hurts...b/c i never find people i like..hardly, so it was exciting to actually find someone that i might actually enjoy the company of...I had a great day today though...i slept alot, layed on my bed naked with my music cranked up and pondered life...smoked a cigar...i want out of this hopeless town so bad, I'm trapped
Beast of Burden
03.10.05 (9:15 am) [edit]
I think I may have the worst luck in the world as far as guys go. I know it's not based purely on luck or fate, but I like to think some of it is. Or I think everything happens for a reason anyway...but I don't understand why I'm supposedly destined to be heartbroken or lonely. It baffles me...I guess I'll just stop thinking about it...it's just all these damn movies, tv shows, people I see, etc. make me sick for someone that I actually like alot, and vice versa.
