Who's ready for another insider's look into the life of a sickingly depressed girl? Yeah I know it's annoying but it's my life now, so it's all I have to "blog" about. I've done a lot of thinking and crying lately. Hating the old self. My therapist said I'm sooo hard on myself. I don't know how not to be. It's like teaching a child do something, I have to learn not to. But I'm so unmotivated that at this point, I don't even have the will in me to try to do that. It's something I think that only I can change, but that's something that could take years. I used to be the happiest pappiest, silliest, smiliest girl one would meet. Loved life. Found joy in almost everything. I dated this guy when I was 16. The first and only love of my life up until this point...he made me feel amazing, I knew he thought I was the greatest, the things he would tell me, I came to believe. And then I got a little too big for my britches and thought that I was basically the coolest, sexiest, most hilarious, amazing girl on the planet. Because you have to understand, this wasn't just any random loser...he was like....the guy everyone wanted or wanted to be. And he thought that I, yes I, was the most amazing girl in the world. He had not ever felt this way about anyone, I know this for a fact. These were not just lines. But eventually, it all wore me down because I wanted to live up to this picture of perfection that I believed he believed I was. I didn't think that I was actually good enough for him, but even though he though I was....I tried to change myself to mold into this person I thought he wanted. I was the person he wanted before I tried....that's the girl he loved....not the person I morphed into while trying to be this unrealistic girl of perfection. Ultimately...this ruined me. Which is why I'm depressed today, and can never live up to my own sickingly high standards of what I think I should be. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to "just be" again. This makes no sense I'm sure to pretty much everyone...so I would appreciate if you didn't leave "advice" comments, seeing as I've pretty much heard it all. I do welcome comments, just not those kind, see because I'm a pretty smart girl I'd say...and most anything one could tell me now...I've either a) already heard, b)already thought of, c)tried it and it didn't work. Yeah so see why I have no hope. I hate life so much. I would kill just to be able to dwindle off, melt away with no one knowing because I could never take my own life. And I really don't want die a painful death...but I do just want to....disappear basically. That would be nice. no more worries. No more hatred of myself. Yes, call me nuts, I already know...but believe it or not, I was once not this way. This is a lot for someone who's lived only 18 years of life to take on....I didn't even get the chance to enjoy my high school years, I hated every second of them. The last 2 anyway, because that's when I changed. I lost all my firends to this, the one's I do have now don't even know the real me. I put on such a mask. If you met me, you would never guess I had a problem in the world, I've become amazing at hiding it, which ultimately makes it worse. Gahhh....the end.
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So I think i've never had more men interested me in my entire life, and I've also never been more unhappy. I hate to be the downer girl all the time on the blogs...but hey, it's where I vent...I don't actually talk to everyone about this shit. Anywho....Friday night...went to the club with my Stepmom and Aunt. Aunt got really drunk and hit on everyone. Showed her boobies to this guy i was interested in. She's 50, he's 22, she's married. And did i mention she's my aunt?? Yeah...how insane. Oh welll..I went on a date with this hot hot hot french guy the other night. Cute guy, sweet guy, not my type, though. I hate everyone right now b/c I hate myself, so don't take it personally folks, or guys for that matter. I'm not "me" right now. Don't know who i am...nuts probably. i've been ask out on like 50 dates recently....declined pretty much all of em....cute guys, cute guys...yeah...but i hate life, therefore i hate them. Sad i know. what can i say....i do what i can to get better. anyway...i need pills, jesus, xanax, and more weed in my life. everyone have a great night, you know i will.
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