the good, the bad, the really bad, and progression.

I Can't get this guy out of my head...this RARELY ever happens to me. HELP!

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So I hung out with this guy last night that I'd only hung out with a few times previous to that...and it had been a while back...like 3 months, actually. But I think I like him...like possibly really like him. I'm SO picky, too. I think he likes me, well i mean...he's obviously attracted to me, but there's a difference between attraction and actually liking someone. We had the most amazing make-out session like 4 hrs into the night...by then we were both pretty drunk, though. We ended up staying at his old frat house (he's not in college anymore...did i mention he's 7 yrs older than me?)...anyway...i was too wasted to drive home and plus I really was enjoying the idea of sleeping on the couch with him and cuddling the night away...which was great i must say. (I'm 19, mind you...so this whole "spending the night with a guy" thing is a new concept for me). So we left about 7 the next morning and he called me on the way home, which was a sweet gesture. He's like...just sweet enough, but not annoyingly sweet...ya know? I like it..and he's funny..has my kinda humor. That's a definite plus. Anyway...I have to be at work in a few hours & I haven't been to bed yet...AND it's a 9hr shift. I just can't sleep. I should be getting up in 2 hrs exactly...so I guess I'll just stay up...might as well. So that's my weekend in a nutshell. Peace Out ~Shana~ P.S. Dane Cook hosted SNL tonight...hilarious!

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I'm not too sure of where my life is going at this point...but I don't like it. As time passes, it keeps getting worse...no matter how hard it seems I try. I've watched Garden State a lot lately. I really really love that movie. I did get a job about 2 weeks ago as a waitress again. But apparently they don't need me afterall so false hopes for little Shana. And I liked working there, too..the people were nice..believe or not the money was too. I've been telling everyone I'm going back to college this fall...but I honestly have put extremely little thought into where & what for. Pretty sad, huh? ...I'm just mainly going because it's the thing to do nowadays...and I know I'll never be able to support myself if I don't. I don't have any current interests really...major-wise. I've just been praying A LOT today. I haven't prayed in so incredibly long. But I have to have something...everything else seems to have gone, or either is going. God is all I know that will be there...I hope.

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i think i've lost myself & identity completely.  i don't even feel like me anymore. i have no passions, drives, interests, etc.  i used to be such a dreamer...so driven, i inspired people.  i'm so apathetic nowadays.  i want to sleep...i wouldn't care if i died tomorrow.  there'd be nothing i had the desire to accomplish.  sounds sad right?  i'm not even feeling sorry myself, just stating the truth.  i'm very pretty.  very.  there i said it. and you know what?...it means nothing...so for those who think looks are important...in the long run, it gets you nowhere. i'm the most unhappy human being i know.  i pray often.  that's about all i can bring myself to do.  it's hard to breathe.  i'm not me anymore...this isn't me.  i don't know who i am...it's painful. 

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