the good, the bad, the really bad, and progression.

i'm very emotionally & mentally unstable right now. i hate it. maybe it's the effects of having my heart thrown around. maybe it's the hangovers i have every day finally taking some weird toll on me. maybe it's all of the above. maybe it's none of the above. i wish i knew. i wish i could feel sane again anyway.

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Ahh...being young. Does it suck majorly sometimes or is that just life? I wonder. I hate being watched over like a retarded child, yet I appreciate it at the same time. Sometimes all I want to do is have a place of my own, but then I think....if I really did have that, I'd probably hate it and want desperately to be back home, the home I've known my whole life with my overprotective mother, yet the person I still refer to as my best friend. Because really she is an amazing person, just a little too concerned about things not worth being concerned over. Who's to say I would be any different in her situation. But honestly, at this time in my life, that is of no consolation. I like stability too much, so I really can't handle any kind of move at this point in my unstable life. Not to mention I have about $120 in my checking account, about $50 in cash....and that is all I have to my name. When I say say "I want to move now", it's more of a hypethical situation of if I had the means to, would I. Because financially...completely impossible. Oh- & the guy I'm dating as of now- I'll just say this: I've never really had any desire to get married, EVER. I've even said to people, "I never want to get married...ever." But the weirdest, almost scary thing is...he has completely changed my mind. I have an actual desire to married at some point in my life. I can't decipher whether or not this change of mind is a good thing or bad thing. Not the fact that I want to get married, but I mean the part about it being him that's changed my mind....would that be a good or bad sign?

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Ahh...being young. Does it suck majorly sometimes or is that just life? I wonder. I hate being watched over like a retarded child, yet I appreciate it at the same time. Sometimes all I want to do is have a place of my own, but then I think....if I really did have that, I'd probably hate it and want desperately to be back home, the home I've known my whole life with my overprotective mother, yet the person I still refer to as my best friend. Because really she is an amazing person, just a little too concerned about things not worth being concerned over. Who's to say I would be any different in her situation. But honestly, at this time in my life, that is of no consolation. I like stability too much, so I really can't handle any kind of move at this point in my unstable life. Not to mention I have about $120 in my checking account, about $50 in cash....and that is all I have to my name. When I say say "I want to move now", it's more of a hypethical situation of if I had the means to, would I. Because financially...completely impossible. Oh- & the guy I'm dating as of now- I'll just say this: I've never really had any desire to get married, EVER. I've even said to people, "I never want to get married...ever." But the weirdest, almost scary thing is...he has completely changed my mind. I have an actual desire to married at some point in my life. I can't decipher whether or not this change of mind is a good thing or bad thing. Not the fact that I want to get married, but I mean the part about it being him that's changed my mind....would that be a good or bad sign?

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I'm 19 years of age. I can't get out tonight at all due to the fact it's St. Patrick's Day and there will be drinkers out. According to my Mom. I hate being 19. Actually, being 19 is pretty cool, having an overprotective parent is not. People drink every Friday night, not just tonight. The thing she does not know is....I am among one of these, and it happens about 5 times a week. :)

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I'm feeling a little torn. I care about this new person so much already, yet we've only been "officially" boyfriend & girlfriend since Friday. We've dated for about 3 weeks total. But we have the most amazning connection and chemistry, and we both agree and see that, that we figured the new status was appropriate, though seemingly soon. I'm happy with it, though. I truly care about him, and I know it's mutual. Just...sometimes I feel it's not, but it's my paranoia i'm pretty sure. He only tells me how much he cares about me, etc. when he's been drinking. But honestly, that's the only time i do so too so I suppose I should cut some slack. Especially since I've never been treated better by anyone in my life. He has such a heart, yet he's fun at the same time, and not stuck up my ass, but not too distant. The problem lies more within myself. It's very hard for me to be myself around anyone. I love the real me, but for some reason, well...due to certain events, "the real me" only comes out with alcohol. I don't want to be an alcoholic but it's damn tempting when it's the only time you're truly happy, which is something I hate admitting to myself and actually get depressed by the thought of that. The fact the only time he really sees or is talking to his girlfriend, not the persona she puts on, is when I've been drinking. He seems to like me both ways. But I know he absolutely adores me when I have been drinking because my true self shines, and I really do have an amazing personality and sense of humor, that is when I'm myself. If I could just relax, breathe, and be myself without it...that's the difficult part. Uggh. Sometimes when I'm sober we'll be on the phone...and I know he's joking of course, but he'll say things like "Stop being the most boring person ever". Because unless I'm drinking, I really watch what I say for some reason, making for not so good conversation, as one can imagine. I know he would truly LOVE me if I could just be thyself. That would be amazing. I wouldn't be paranoid anymore. He's too good to be true and I don't want to lose this. Any advice would be appreciated.

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