and i could go on.
03.01.07 (5:26 pm) [edit]
So today has been a definite uneventful day. Better than bad events, but i want some good events. Eric's being weird. we've been together for almost five months now. it's been an odd but for the most part generally successful relationship. possibly my longest if you can believe that. i'm twenty now, which is odd, because nothing worth mention has happened since i graduated high school. or not like most do. most go off to college..have something to show for being twenty. not i. i have formed a small dependency on alcohol. i didnt even drink in high school i've gained about ten pounds. i hang with a truly different crowd then i did then, if one at all. actually i dont really havea crowd. that's my thing. i miss friends. all mine moved away or we both socially went completely different directions. and by "we" i'm not referring to any friend inparticular. just me and another person that i was once friends with in general. it's one or the other. i really miss having a best friend. i've always had a best friend, ever since i could remember. it's weird now. who do you call when times get hard, have a bad day, have exciting news, just to chat about nothing or something? i hate that. my mother's a fucking psycho. sometime's i think she's worse off than i am though she would appear on the outside to have it all together. i, on the other hand, well it's obvious i've got nothing together. twenty years of life and i've got nothing to show for it really. it's my own fault. i was raised a spoiled attention-bathed only child with everything handed to me. it's so different now. i was never a bratty child though. i just was used to being treated as if i had to do nothing in the world and everything would come to me because i was little and cute and shy and well, the only one. it's impacted me deeply into adulthood. i still have the same mindset and don't understand sometimes why i'm not in the same place as my rich collegiate ex-friends. i'm still stuck in a dead-end town, seeking motivation desperately, with a boyfriend, no real friends. lately the boyfriend is kind of just there. we are both really silly. but i've been in a blah mood and well, that does nothing for our relationship. and of course that's all i have to dwell on. that or the fact that i have nothing to do except work at my excuse for a job. we were ridiculously happy up until about 3 or so weeks ago. i was just in a horrible mood due to the state of my money or lack thereof and my large amount of unpaid bills. he took that as a dead end for the relationship and said i was materialistic and it was over. we got back together come 3 days later, but i've been so insecure about the relationship ever since. i've always worn the pants in the relationship so to speak. until now, i'm like a weak puppy, hoping we won't break up again. trying to not say the wrong thing or seem too materialistic. and this is what i have to dwell on. i miss friends. i pray for a best friend. someone to help me, someone to bond with. i miss that. a lot. o
