the good, the bad, the really bad, and progression.

this is my horoscope for this month: Your month: You’re finally attacking now with scary gusto what you’ve been putting off. Your mission: Release some of that badass energy at the gym, but don’t push too hard. Make slow changes you can stick to. well, according to the latest issue of Glamour magazine anyhow. INTERESTING.

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i've slept all day. i'm out of my horrendous relationship that is still haunting me. i wish i could not think about it. i want to clean things up in my life really badly. i don't even know where to begin. you'd think there'd be the obvious things like "don't drink," "don't hang out with people that have negative influences on you," but there's always that chip on my shoulder. now, i'm not using that as an excuse, just stating facts. it's very hard. my "friend" texted me shortly ago and asked if i wanted to come out. said it'd be worth it. i have to be at work at 5 so i can't anyway. i asked what was going on. he said he had some cocaine. okay. even if i didn't have to work, i'm afraid i just might go and do said cocaine. and like i said, i'm trying to clean things up in my life. which to me means: a)find happiness when sober. real contentment. at least to a non-depressed extent. b)stay away from men altogether. just do. c)get some damned stability. d)save money. e)i think the rest could slowly work itself out... eric was very mean to me. he demeaned me. i try to not think about it. i stil do not have anyone i consider to be a friend. i mean, i have my every now and thens. ya know, "let's meet up for lunch" every coupla months kinda thing. no regulars. i miss that still. it sometimes makes me think something is wrong with me. but i don't think so. i mean as far as not being able to make friends. i don't really put myself in settings where i would, and if i do make friends, they're usually dudes. and they become attracted to me, and well...that's just not a friend anymore. i know that i am capable (for the most part) of taking control of my life. but i doubt myself way too much right now to take charge of anything. i have motivation to do nothing. that is very sad. i work to pay my bills. i sleep. i sometimes talk to people. but i dont like to if i'm not intoxicated at least a little bit because i dont think they'll want to be around the me i am now. the state i am makes me well...not myself. i'm very honest about all of my problems, though. in no way am i in denial. just hard getting away from them. my mom says i'm a crybaby. i know she's right. but i get so down, i feel like i can't dig myself out. though i suppose anyone is quite capable. well, i could type on this subject i'm sure for longer than whomever would like to have already stopped reading about at this point. that's my update. i wish it were better. but that is it. i hope everyone's doing well. later, me.

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i've slept all day. i'm out of my horrendous relationship that is still haunting me. i wish i could not think about it. i want to clean things up in my life really badly. i don't even know where to begin. you'd think there'd be the obvious things like "don't drink," "don't hang out with people that have negative influences on you," but there's always that chip on my shoulder. now, i'm not using that as an excuse, just stating facts. it's very hard. my "friend" texted me shortly ago and asked if i wanted to come out. said it'd be worth it. i have to be at work at 5 so i can't anyway. i asked what was going on. he said he had some cocaine. okay. even if i didn't have to work, i'm afraid i just might go and do said cocaine. and like i said, i'm trying to clean things up in my life. which to me means: a)find happiness when sober. real contentment. at least to a non-depressed extent. b)stay away from men altogether. just do. c)get some damned stability. d)save money. e)i think the rest could slowly work itself out... eric was very mean to me. he demeaned me. i try to not think about it. i stil do not have anyone i consider to be a friend. i mean, i have my every now and thens. ya know, "let's meet up for lunch" every coupla months kinda thing. no regulars. i miss that still. it sometimes makes me think something is wrong with me. but i don't think so. i mean as far as not being able to make friends. i don't really put myself in settings where i would, and if i do make friends, they're usually dudes. and they become attracted to me, and well...that's just not a friend anymore. i know that i am capable (for the most part) of taking control of my life. but i doubt myself way too much right now to take charge of anything. i have motivation to do nothing. that is very sad. i work to pay my bills. i sleep. i sometimes talk to people. but i dont like to if i'm not intoxicated at least a little bit because i dont think they'll want to be around the me i am now. the state i am makes me well...not myself. i'm very honest about all of my problems, though. in no way am i in denial. just hard getting away from them. my mom says i'm a crybaby. i know she's right. but i get so down, i feel like i can't dig myself out. though i suppose anyone is quite capable. well, i could type on this subject i'm sure for longer than whomever would like to have already stopped reading about at this point. that's my update. i wish it were better. but that is it. i hope everyone's doing well. later, me.

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i've slept all day. i'm out of my horrendous relationship that is still haunting me. i wish i could not think about it. i want to clean things up in my life really badly. i don't even know where to begin. you'd think there'd be the obvious things like "don't drink," "don't hang out with people that have negative influences on you," but there's always that chip on my shoulder. now, i'm not using that as an excuse, just stating facts. it's very hard. my "friend" texted me shortly ago and asked if i wanted to come out. said it'd be worth it. i have to be at work at 5 so i can't anyway. i asked what was going on. he said he had some cocaine. okay. even if i didn't have to work, i'm afraid i just might go and do said cocaine. and like i said, i'm trying to clean things up in my life. which to me means: a)find happiness when sober. real contentment. at least to a non-depressed extent. b)stay away from men altogether. just do. c)get some damned stability. d)save money. e)i think the rest could slowly work itself out... eric was very mean to me. he demeaned me. i try to not think about it. i stil do not have anyone i consider to be a friend. i mean, i have my every now and thens. ya know, "let's meet up for lunch" every coupla months kinda thing. no regulars. i miss that still. it sometimes makes me think something is wrong with me. but i don't think so. i mean as far as not being able to make friends. i don't really put myself in settings where i would, and if i do make friends, they're usually dudes. and they become attracted to me, and well...that's just not a friend anymore. i know that i am capable (for the most part) of taking control of my life. but i doubt myself way too much right now to take charge of anything. i have motivation to do nothing. that is very sad. i work to pay my bills. i sleep. i sometimes talk to people. but i dont like to if i'm not intoxicated at least a little bit because i dont think they'll want to be around the me i am now. the state i am makes me well...not myself. i'm very honest about all of my problems, though. in no way am i in denial. just hard getting away from them. my mom says i'm a crybaby. i know she's right. but i get so down, i feel like i can't dig myself out. though i suppose anyone is quite capable. well, i could type on this subject i'm sure for longer than whomever would like to have already stopped reading about at this point. that's my update. i wish it were better. but that is it. i hope everyone's doing well. later, me.

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