the good, the bad, the really bad, and progression.

so maybe it's just a bad kidney infection. who knows. the flu, a stomach virus. i've got something and it's no fucking fun. new boy came over last night to take care of me because i told him of me not feeling well. this morning a got ridiculous and started shivering uncontrollably for like 45 minutes, and he just held me the whole time so that i wouldn't be as cold. last night before we went to bed, we were laying there and talking...and well...decided we should be officially boyfriend and girlfriend. yes i am twenty years old. it just seemed like the right thing. he said it would make him so happy, because he thinks i am amazing. aww. the most gorgeous blue eyes in the world. i'm not sure, though. i'm just not sure. i'm always weary...as one should be.

0 Comments

i think i slowly may be doing just that. i'm little, like teensy weensy again. stress and lack of eating...due to the first. i'm too nervous around people. why can't i just talk to them like i talk to my mom or my friends. it's like getting out a sentence i have to force and think about what i say. i always want it to be something cute and witty. i set my standards for what i think i should be way too damned high. i think i'd be a bajillion times okayer if i could just be and stop thinking so much about it.

ive been hanging out with this dude sunday night and monday night. he's super great and seems to like me A LOT. i know it's genuine. thing is, i look at his myspace (how old are we again?) and there's like 13 really pretty girls leaving him comments like "thinking of you...." and such. should i just leave this one alone? i mean, is this just internet talk from some lonely girl. or does he chit chat with them? i dunno. i'm confused. i'm depressed. i've laid in bed all day. i spent the night at his house sunday night, nothing CRAZY happened. just the next thing we knew it was 5am and well, we both just kinda passed out on his bed. he's the best goddamned kisser known to man as far as i'm concerned. he holds my hand a lot which i'm not used to, and holds me when we're laying down constantly and kisses my arm and cheek and nose. little things like that every now and then. he stayed at my dad's house with me last night and we slept in the same bed. things seem to happen so fast for me. i fall too fast. i mean we didnt have sex or anything. it is the 21st century and we're all "adults" now. i'm just not sure....

then there was the awkward goodbye. i dont know why the whole night and morning went so smoothly then when he walks me to my car it's awkward as hell. we did the hug, kiss...oh well. i overanalyze. i just think everything is a sign. i should adopt hobbies, then i wouldnt be so concerned about this. yep. that's me.

2 Comments

ughh...stress. so nathan IMs me last night saying "Talk to me"...ok. apparently his gf cheated on him. i use the term girlfriend loosely anyhow because they never saw one another seeing as how he lives in one town and she lives in another...like an hour away and he can't drive for DUI purposes. so he asks me last night if i want to grab lunch tomorrow (today) and i say yeah. i told him to just call me around 12 or 1 to get me up. i didnt get up. then i get a text saying he told his dad not to worry about picking him on on his lunch break because he had a ride to work he had to be at at 3. the ride being me. i didn't know i was going to be responsible for this to. until now. so about 2 i message him back (when i got the message) saying i was getting ready and i'd be there and apologized. he said not to worry about it his mom had taken off work to come get him. i feel soooo bad. but i didnt know i was responsible for him getting to work or i didnt think about it. i know he's pissed. i know he REALLY hates girls now. he expressed that thought to me last night after his gf cheated on him. the reason i feel so bad mainly is because after him ranting to me for an hour about how he can't trust anyone. what do i do...yeah. i did offer to come pick him up as soon as i got messages. but still. anyway. withdrew from college today. i'd been dreading that. it was like a 5 minute process. i told mom i would only get a 75% refund and she was pissed. i'm paying either way so she can calm down a little. i think i've spent about $3,000 in schooling and don't have even one credit. so that's insane. i really do feel bad about blowing nathan off unintentionally more or less. my only excuse was "i overslept"...lame. i know he hates the world right now anyway. what should i do? he's my bud. then again i get stressed out way too much over things that aren't huge deals. i think i may have to make a doc appointment tomorrow. i cant find my xanaxes and well...i have to have them for sanity. i was in the bathroom at work taking one and they all spilled out onto the floor a few weeks ago. i had to pick them up off of that piss-reminince floor. apparently i didnt get all of them. i hope the doc believes me, because i'm sure a lot of kids my age come in supposedly needing them, but i really do. since age 17. i didn't even know what they were, then everyone was like "oh my god, you're on xanax...lemme get some". fuck no. i'm one of the few that need them. it's not a recreational drug thing. having dinner with mom tonight. maybe that will relieve some of my stress to talk to her. but then again if she's in a bad mood and tells me 1,000 things i need to get done it will ruin the mood for the evening completely. i'm at dad's right now. he's not here...big surprise. well, i guess that's all. but seriously, what should i do about my friend. i mean i have apologized, what more is there to do. i think after that it would just get annoying if i apologized again. stress!

1 Comments

ughh...stress. so nathan IMs me last night saying "Talk to me"...ok. apparently his gf cheated on him. i use the term girlfriend loosely anyhow because they never saw one another seeing as how he lives in one town and she lives in another...like an hour away and he can't drive for DUI purposes. so he asks me last night if i want to grab lunch tomorrow (today) and i say yeah. i told him to just call me around 12 or 1 to get me up. i didnt get up. then i get a text saying he told his dad not to worry about picking him on on his lunch break because he had a ride to work he had to be at at 3. the ride being me. i didn't know i was going to be responsible for this to. until now. so about 2 i message him back (when i got the message) saying i was getting ready and i'd be there and apologized. he said not to worry about it his mom had taken off work to come get him. i feel soooo bad. but i didnt know i was responsible for him getting to work or i didnt think about it. i know he's pissed. i know he REALLY hates girls now. he expressed that thought to me last night after his gf cheated on him. the reason i feel so bad mainly is because after him ranting to me for an hour about how he can't trust anyone. what do i do...yeah. i did offer to come pick him up as soon as i got messages. but still. anyway. withdrew from college today. i'd been dreading that. it was like a 5 minute process. i told mom i would only get a 75% refund and she was pissed. i'm paying either way so she can calm down a little. i think i've spent about $3,000 in schooling and don't have even one credit. so that's insane. i really do feel bad about blowing nathan off unintentionally more or less. my only excuse was "i overslept"...lame. i know he hates the world right now anyway. what should i do? he's my bud. then again i get stressed out way too much over things that aren't huge deals. i think i may have to make a doc appointment tomorrow. i cant find my xanaxes and well...i have to have them for sanity. i was in the bathroom at work taking one and they all spilled out onto the floor a few weeks ago. i had to pick them up off of that piss-reminince floor. apparently i didnt get all of them. i hope the doc believes me, because i'm sure a lot of kids my age come in supposedly needing them, but i really do. since age 17. i didn't even know what they were, then everyone was like "oh my god, you're on xanax...lemme get some". fuck no. i'm one of the few that need them. it's not a recreational drug thing. having dinner with mom tonight. maybe that will relieve some of my stress to talk to her. but then again if she's in a bad mood and tells me 1,000 things i need to get done it will ruin the mood for the evening completely. i'm at dad's right now. he's not here...big surprise. well, i guess that's all. but seriously, what should i do about my friend. i mean i have apologized, what more is there to do. i think after that it would just get annoying if i apologized again. stress!

0 Comments

last night didn't consist of much. well monday let's see. mom & i went to eat at the olive garden. the food ran short of brag-worthy, but we had a great time and i like the setting so it was really nice and refreshing. i don't do much out of the house lately. and i dont want to date. i'm just sick of it. these lame-asses fall for me in like 2 days then i have to hear about how dissappointed they are and see their 10 missed calls.  duuuude, i didn't even kiss you...or flirt with you for that matter. plus getting out of a long-term relationship, it's no time to "jump back in" anyway. not for me anyhow. TOO stressful. i'm just not relationship material right now. guys either want one-nighters or something eventually leading to a relationship. or that's how i'm seeing it. i'm down for neither.

ok, tuesday, BORING. no work. that was good. i have no complaints about tuesday. all i did was sleep, eat, listen to radio talk shows on the internet, and watch tv. man, i can be lazy. about 1am last night (this morning) i get a text from nathan saying he's supposedly stranded. he doesnt have a car and for some reason depends on people bringing him home at 2am. luckily he stopped getting out for the most part. i was bored so said i'd come and get him. i got an 11-pack out of the deal so it wasn't too bad. he left his phone and bag of whatever he carries around in my car. i'm not wasting my precious gas to bring it to him.

today...just woke up a lil bit ago. TOTALLY dreading going to formally withdraw from college. has to be done by tomorrow at latest to get 75% refund. then i think it's 50%. i may do what i do best and that's procrastination at it's finest...and just wait til tomorrow. i have to be at work at 4. i'm not dreading it one bit. i've come to realize work is work is work. as far as i'm concerned. i may eat my words later if we're really, really busy. i looked pretty last night. i wish someone worthy would have seen me. or i would have ran into someone i hadn't seen in a long time. haha. i'm weird. well, i should maybe eat something. love, me. (why i end with that...i do not know).

0 Comments

ok. so. mom went INSANE tonight. i mean, really topped the cake. for no apparent reason. i won't repeat the things she said to me on here, but they caused me more or less to have a nervous breakdown. to the point where i was gasping for air for about 10 minutes. that may be a panic attack...i haven't really done my research. i called my dad during the midst of all of this nonsense, and i've never been more dissappointed. thanks dad, that's all i have to say. way to step up there. he's got this new girl. he puts her before anything and everything and doesn't really give a rat's ass about anyone or anything these days. really sad. maybe we're all nuts, im not sure.

so anyhow, like 6 hours later we made up and she apologized extremely. we watched sunset tan and the simple life and petted my dog and ate soup and my night has been much better since, because that's all i had looked forward to since i got of work. that's my usual sunday night. and that's the way i want all of them to go.  i wish i had a friend...

3 Comments

it's me again. so i'm on a blogging streak. complain time: my head HURTS. it's spinning. i should probably bathe soon... michael texted me last night wanting me to come by and bring his belt back. i had to borrow it one night because my jeans kept sagging. not for reasons you might think. i couldn't though because i was working and stayed at my dad's last night. it's his last night in town. i think it's official. for a good, long while anyhow. i wouldn't bring it over anyway right now because i've seen him too much this week and it's just getting awkward. i can't figure out if we're attracted to one another or not. best to just keep distance. (oh, i dont know how to start new paragraphs on this thing. everytime i time enter and try to indent..well in just doesn't come out that way on the viewing stance. anywho. mom's making soup tonight...my FAVE. i heart soup. worked today. made $36. i think i'll be okay. i mean i did re-re-re-quit college and all just after i signed up. so that's a few less debt to worry about, shaknow? well uh, dwight yokam is currently playing on the stereo echoing throughout our household. and i like it. though my head hurts, i like it. i like the smells coming from the kitchen. and the way my dog is so excited to see me. i love home. i really will be sad the day i leave. i am 20, however, so i need to plan to do that in the next few years. however, i don't think my mom would mind one bit if i stayed here my whole life. but, she worries so much about me. i couldn't be 25 and still having to "check in" every few hours. ok, peace iz-out for now. <3, forevs.>

3 Comments

today was just shitty. i woke up depressed. i found out eric had some girl spend the night. i didn't ask to know this information. i want to erase him from my past. in a sense i feel like he rescued me from a life, but he brought on another one, that for a while seemed nice. but just was not. i told my mom how he physically and mentally abused me this morning at about 5am after it irking me for long enough i couldn't hold it in. i told her everything was just having such an affect on me, i could barely concentrate on living. she at first didn't know what to do. but then said she understands. and gave me a hug. and i cried, and cried, and cried. we both think therapy is best for me. i am a waitress. tonight i worked. i made $15 in tips. that's nauseating. the 15 yr old bus-boy obviously has a crush on me. how flattering! he followed me around all night. he's funny. if only he were cute, and 5 yearsish older. ha, i'm a sicko. last night i went to michael's. i sort of invited myself. they had lots of cocaine. well what i consider lots. i rarely do this stuff. this was like my 5th time in the past 2 years. but he, myself, and another dude did. after it had worn off, i felt empty again. i hate that. i told michael that i was sorry for being so quiet when this stuff wears off. actually it's just me being depressed. i just want to be liked. or not looked down upon because i can't be myself. when i left. it was awkward. the last hour was awkward. we had the awkward..."i'm EXTREMELY attracted to you when i'm drunk, we've made out passionately, you've taken me out on a date, but the past few days have made me realize we're better off as friends, and i know you feel the same...hug. you know those kinds of hugs. well, i will be lonely for however long. that was my friend. he's gone back off to where he lives now. even when people at work tell me i'm pretty, or sweet, or even one said "girl you have the best personality, you're so funny"...which is the best compliment if you ask me. even then...i still go home feeling low. it gets hard to not want to be intoxicated. i would if i could every night. every second. if i had the money and absolutely no pride. please god give me contentment. where do i begin? i dunno! my mom's AMAZING. extreme props to her in every way possible. i was so moody when i got up today. my little cousin was over whom i rarely see. she's my youngest cousin. she's sweet. it hurt that i was so "not there" and emotionless i couldn't even gather up the energy to talk to or play with her. i think she thinks i'm mean. it hurt. i ask her if i could have a hug. she was very hesitant...as if i was some unfamiliar old man. my throat hurts from that blow. you'd think my nose would, but no...my throat. i sent eric a message on myspace telling him that i hope he realizes one day how horribly he treats people. i sent that only because it's had the worst affect on me, as i've said. he didnt reply and i'm glad he didn't. there's nothing he could say to bring relief really. i'm sure there is...but he wouldn't say any of those things, so it's best he didn't respond. good enough for tonight. work tomorrow morning, shitty section. laterz.

1 Comments