the good, the bad, the really bad, and progression.

everyone says breaking up is hard to do. you know what i think's hard to do? gorwing up. like...some people are just forced to. things happen in their lives, or their parents make them get summer jobs, etc. things like that. i was so spoiled i've recently realized that the real world is so hard for me to adjust to. very, very hard. sometimes i wonder if i'm capable. i suppose anyone's capable if they really want to. i have a good heart and good intentions...i just don't know how to handle life in general right now. i'm 21, i feel about 16 thrown into a 21 year-olds life. i'm very immature in a lot of areas. i could blame my mom and believe you me i want to, but i've grown up enough at least to realize that i can't blame anyone for anything about myself. it's just up to me to change what i don't like.

that's all.

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i'm going to definitely take it easy this week. it will be a long, boring one. but i like staying out of trouble and not having regrets. there's only about like...2 people i actually enjoy hanging out with and neither of them are currently available. i work from sunday (this past) to friday all day then i'm FINALLY off saturday & sunday. what nice days to be off. i didn't even request that. i drink a lot less now that i have a job and stuff. that's very good. i'm going to save, save, save my money. i have a feeling that it is going to come in handy when i move. or for something. ya know, like if my car were to break down or something. i'm just so used to getting it and spending on insignifigant bullshit like bartabs, steak-dinners, shirts i'll wear a coupla times, etc. i can buy all of that stuff when i'm older and have a career. that's what i've decided anyway. so basically i'm going to live as a borderline nun for a while. i'm sure i'll break this within the next week, but not too badly. my doggy is laying in my lap right now. she's so perfect. if there were a human as perfect as her...well, that human would be a chihuahua/yorkie.

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and so it has. i miss parts of it. parts i definetely don't. tuesday night my good friend/ex calls me. we and friend end up going to new friend's appartment where apparently there's a small party going on and people playing in band including ex/good friend. he introduces me to the most gorgeous guy. we instantly connect and hang for the next two days. he tells me as we say goodbye last thursday how i should definitely come hang out at this bar tonight where everyone will be at. but 20 minutes previous he says..."hey, i thought we were just buds....ya know?" i said..."yeah, i know, i know, exactly." that was his response to me saying what a horrible mistake it was that we almost had sex the night before. it honestly hurt my feelings when he said that.

i got really down on myself this week like majorly.

friday comes. my new friend, dolly and i hang out. she's really nice & cool. we went from the bar to my friend's back to the bar with friends. then out of nowhere my best friend in the whole wide world calls and says he's on his way down home (he lives like 4 hours away now.) this MADE my night. i had the greatest weekend, really. saturday me and my bff hung. sunday we had breakfast and talked about looking for apts next month and lollapolooza and stuff. and now i'm very sad because my best friend went home.

last night ex calls me. wants to hang out. like i said, he's one of my very good friend's now. we watched rock of love finale (ha) and got to talking. i can confide in him A LOT. i mean, very personal things. i told him how sexually frustrated i was because it'd been SO long. i wasn't insuating anything should happen between us. i swear i wasn't. i was just talking and being honest. next thing i know we decide to have sex and not tell anyone. to help relieve some of my "frustration" in that area. cool right? here comes the bad part....he has a gf. is this okay? no, it's defintely not okay. but, it happened. and it won't again, because my concious kicked in and it's major. i told him and me that i would not have sex again until i was in love and in a committed relationship. and well, i broke that. but i can't tell anyone. and he said he wouldn't either. i think i trust him.

i have a silly life.

work was hard today. i am exhausted.

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i woke up today about an hourish ago. i like today. so far. i really, really like today. it would be great if i had a friend that i could go to the lake with. that would be fun. it's so perfect outside ever since the rain subsided. a good day for frolicking! i could get a lot done today if i really wanted to. clean things. bathe maybe. run. wash doggie. hang out with new friend tonight. order a pizza. pick some flowers. read a book. dance in my panties to my fave metal songs (who dances to metal.....<this guy!). (no one's home!) ok, that's it for now.

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Dear Mama,

i am 21 now. when i was younger, i feel like you and daddy had such high expections of me. i got into a deep depression and started hanging out with the wrong crowd after high school. if i could change things i would. i desperately would. when you look at me, all you see is a disappointment and that hurts me more than anything in the world. even when i mess up on small things in life, i feel like i'm hurting you. we've been best friends since the day i came in this world, but i don't think you like me very much anymore. i know you will always love me. i just don't think i'll ever be as good as you. i admire you so much. you're just perfect. i don't know how you stay so strong through everything you've been through. and with me. i don't know why i make you worry so much, but i would never intentionally hurt you. you're so beautiful. it's a shame there are no men good enough for such a smart, classy woman. i hope one day you do find him because you deserve that.

as i get older, i realize what a little brat i can be. how all you hear me do is make excuses and complain. i apologize from the bottom of my heart. i cry the most sincere cry as i type this right now. someday i wish that i could make you proud. i just don't see it happening soon. don't give up on me. i've always been your girl. please don't give up on me. i don't have anyone else and i don't know how to cope with things on my own. if it weren't for you i'd be dead right now. i miss you being proud of me. i desperately do. i wish adulthood wasn't so hard for me.

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i am drinking right now. i just do not like myself very much. it's weird when i was the most voted most beautiful girl in highschool, didn't lose my virginity until i was 19, and had the most amazing childhood. how i can end up so miserable. make it stop. pleeease.

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it's 9:20am. i'll never use capital letters, fyi. they annoy me when typing something unformal. i haven't blogged in a really long time. not on here anyway. i have on my space. heh, i never say much though because i like to keep my true thoughts kind of anonymous...so i post them on here.

i work at sonic. i've been there for about 3 1/2 weeks now. girls are so mean and catty. i really don't like my own sex very much. i dread going in today. i have to be there at 10:30. i'm really, really dreading it. it's like going back to high school. where all the other girls are already friends and youre the new one, but they don't want anyone new in their "group." so they give me really difficult tasks and stuff like that. don't try to be friends with me at all. i want to work at a classier place where it's not little high school girls running the show. it was just the first place that called me back and i was so in debt at the moment i woulda taken almost any job.

i'm looking to make a big move in july. i'm very scared. i've never moved before. i'm 21 and i live with my mommy :). it has some major pitfalls, but perks as well.

i just feel like i disappoint everyone unintentionally. i wish i weren't so hard on myself.

i'm finding it very hard to get out of bed in the morning.

i was talking to, well i guess you could call him a friend...more like an ex-boyfriend....anyway, talking yesterday. we discussed life. he said, "you know, the only things i like are sex, drinking, and playing guitar...because it's the only times i don't have to think about anything." i just nodded and kind of laughed. but, i thought about it...and i'm the same way, replace guitar with sleeping. god, why have i let myself get to this point. i've got to get out of this deep hole i've dug. it can't get any deeper, it just can't. i will not let it.

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