the good, the bad, the really bad, and progression.

am i pregnant? this is not good.

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supposedly i've gained a lover, but i feel more like i've lost my best friend.

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i'm so fickle. that has nothing to do with anything at this point in the post, but i wanted to go ahead and state that. this week - from monday until about thursday (noonish) i spent my week being the laziest human being alive. making up stories about applying at jobs because i had sunken into somewhat of a minor depression as i can. very not happy with self and lies. thursday - decide it's time to take some action. as hard as it was to move my ass from bed to car, i managed. get ready, go to restauarant. apply. lady says, "the manager will check your references and give you a call, thanks." FUCK. thinking..."awesome, can't wait til said manager finds out i was fired from previous job and i haven't worked in a month." ...which i did not state on my application for obvious reasons. keeping my fingers crossed and praying for the best is all i can do at this point. my ex-manager loved me so hopefully he can cake up a little white lie for me. i was so nervous filling out the app. ( i'm not quite sure why ) that my handwriting is completely embarassing. it resembles nothing of my "relaxed" penmanship. later on thursday - meet a good friend of mine at starbuck's of which i haven't seen since about february. we chatted it up for approximately an hour and a half or so. good time. really good time. find out my best friend from high school is in town. haven't seen him in almost a year. i'm ecstatic. me friend 1 and best friend from years past go to an italian ice cream shop and then to my house. have an absolute blast catching up. gosh i miss hanging out with him. friday - redneck night. me and my good friend whom of which thinks he's my boyfriend even though i'm pretty sure i've made clear on occasions he is indeed not, end up going to this complete hick bar. my idea. thought it would be fun to dress up like the biggest rednecks possible. i totally underestimated how much fun it would me. i truly haven't had that much fun in a very, very, very, very long time. i had eighties hair, cowboy boots, the whole get-up. he wore uneven cut-off sweatpants paired with some muddy penny loafers. it was perfect. we danced. we laughed until our dollar draft beer was coming out of our noses. great night. saturday - mom & i quarrel. nothing huge. have steaks with friend. drink. drink. drink. okay night. really good steaks. sunday - feelings of unease. i'm not sure about anything right now. i feel as if i'm unintentionally leading him on. i don't know what to do or say. i don't want to go hang out tonight, though i said i would. i think i'll play the "i'm sick" card. i am sick...just not in the way you take a few ibuprofen. tonight - this. mom drinking too much wine. me - most stressed out person ever. need money, need money bad. and i'm not you're girlfriend!

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i haven't felt this lonely in a while. it's taken such a toll on me. i lost my insignifigant job a few weeks ago. luckily i've had enough money saved up to get through now. the past almost week, all i've done is sleep. sleep, sleep, sleep. sleep and eat. i've gotten nothing done. i've barely showered. that's even a chore. my mom doesn't speak to me at all. we pass one another in the house. she's very disappointed in me, which makes the self-loathing that much worse. but, i won't say anything to her. i know there's nothing worse than someone that complains. i have nothing to say to anyone really anyway. i'm just very depressed and lonely. who has sympathy for that? i sure as hell don't. i've been through hell and back so i have little sympathy for those who are in my condition. because i know i'm the only one who can get me out of this hole i've once again unitentionally dug. i have it in me, i just have to find it and fast. this can't continue. i have to get a job. i have to stop this.

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