the good, the bad, the really bad, and progression.

there are about 2 people in this town that would call me a whore. one being my drunkard, loser excuse of an ex-boyfriend, because i happened to almost sleep with a guy he introduced me to about a year after we'd broken up. bad idea, but it almost happened and apparently the guy told EVERYONE about it. well, i live in a small town so everyone doesn't consist of many people. so primarily just him and his best friend would consider me to be this inaccurate description of myself. i don't go after guys. i never have. but, it bothers me a lot when i see this person (ex) out somewhere, and of course he's generally drunk, and he insinuates in front of everyone that i'm a hooker. only because he's bitter toward everyone because he has low self-esteem. he feels that if he insults people that have hurt him horribly then he'll feel better. wrong... no one leaves happy or satisfied. i was at a bar last night that friends invited me to and i was assured that said ex would not be there seeing as it was a crowd that he's usually around. i get there and who's sitting at the bar with a half-pint of whiskey in hand. you guessed it. he's high on god knows what and so drunk everyone is making fun of him at this point. he spots me immediately as i walk in with my date/best friend (weird, i know). anywho, he proceeds to drunkenly keep approaching my friend and be drunk and creepy and massage his shoulders and give him a hug trying to piss him off, is my only guess. luckily my friend keeps his cool and just laughs at the situation. then ex comes up to me and as he can barely speak, pulls out his wallet, (probably bragging he actually has a job for the first time since the last time he got fired for god knows what) and starts pulling out bills and holding them in my face. i laugh at first and attempt to grab one of the bills. he is insinuating in front of all of my friends, be him drunk or not, that i am a hooker. this irritates so much i can't quite put it into words. i do nothing about it. i say nothing. but it did embarrass me and hurt my feelings, even if i know that i am not what he's suggesting in sole attempt to accomplish what he indeed has, though, i didn't let him know so. i don't know if it's me or everyone around here, but i'm completely sick of peoples' faces around here. i dont want to know the people i once knew. they're not good people. i ran around with a bad crowd and i want so badly to disassociate myself with them and everyone knowing me as i was then. but, you can't erase the past. only move forward and change. it sounds so easy. it's very hard staying away from people that are your friends or at least claim to be when you get very bored on a saturday night and they call you up wanting to hang out. i try to avoid it, and not answer my phone. but i occasionally have the urge to want to go out like old, crazy times. but these days, i realize, it's not fun or cool to get wasted out of your mind and say and do things you don't remember and feel guilty and wonder why so and so's mad at you the next day. i hate that. i'm not there anymore. but, i am occasionally tempted and rarely, but still occasionally do give into the tempation and i am realizing as i'm typing this...ALWAYS regret hanging out with that crowd. i want to change, i do. it's such a sloooowwww process. i know people can change because i have before. well i morphed into someone i thought i never would be. i wish i could morph back just as easily. somehow escaping the bad times and regrets is a lot harder than it was to make the mistakes. everyone says therapy, therapy, therapy. i just need friends that are not drunkards. that would be a start. people with healthy lifestyles heading in the direction i want to as well. i don't even know where to find these people. i don't go to church. i ended up not being about to go back to school this semester due to the fact that i was not notified until the last minute that i need to take a compass test if i'm 21 or older (and i am) and degree-seeking. sucks.

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basically i haven't been on here in a while. i think it's so awesome the sweet e-mails and supportive comments i've gotten, though. i really do appreciate it. ok, so i turned out to be not preggers. things are looking up. i'm starting back to college this coming up monday. i make okay money at my job. i'm just weary of guys. i think i can't trust any of you and the ones i can turn out to be obsessed with me. insanity, i tell you. i need friends that are GIRLS. where are my cool girls at??? all of them that i know have way too much drama in their everyday lives for me to deal with. i'm not into drugs or partying so much anymore. i just really want to focus on ME and bettering myself for a change. i've made major mistakes in the past. i know i have. i have scars to prove it. i've dated complete assholes (haven't we all?) and that's not for me. i don't get much kick out of drinking anymore either. i still do, but it's like...well, i drink. i don't feel like you do. it feels like an obligation. i feel like, if it's 11 o'clock at night and i'm not drinking, then i should be asleep. i mean, what else do you do? i'm aware that's not healthy. i just don't know how to help it currently. if i didn't drink...i would save so much money. the only upside to this is i'm not into drugs at all. not that alcohol isn't a drug in its sense. but, you know. i just want to start over. i wish i was 18 again. so badly. i'm trying to do that...minus the whole naive aspect. so i'm 21 going on 22 now. i'm finally seeing things in true perspective in my life. i know what's right and wrong. i know what's good for me and others and not. i have common sense. i truly am easing into something healthy, but it's a process that i'm doing on my own and it's not easy. i have too much anxiety to go to those AA meetings, while i respect them. i wish had one person that had been there that would not judge me. i do. well, that is all for now. thanks for reading this stuff. <3, shayna. >

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