the good, the bad, the really bad, and progression.

there really isn't a single thing from my past i miss. i find myself lately wishing i could go back to certain times in my life. times, when for some reason, things felt more innocent. truth is, they weren't. i was just naive and didn't realize what i was getting myself into. i remember meeting him. us drinking until the sun came up and on and off the next day. we thought we'd be together forever. that day summed up our entire relationship. i was too stupid to see it. i was looking for comfort somewhere and you practically showed up at my doorstep to pick me up. i should have stepped over you, but i was drunk. i fell on you. that day would be the peak of all things good throughout our ten month courtship. the courtship that haunts me to this day, over a year later. i suppose everyone feels this way at some point in their lives. i remember all of the drunken nights when i was younger. i remember thinking there could be no greater feeling in the world then sitting at the park with "insert guy x here" and sipping on a bud light. not realizing what i was getting myself into. i now look back and see how horrible things were then. i just thought i would find all of my answers and medicine in a bottle that crushes peoples' lives and a lanky, rebelious, shaggy-haired guy. the perks of all of that is, is that i'm still young (21) and i've already made so many mistakes in that area that i couldnt do it again. not to say i wont make tons and tons more, but at least i found out that what i'm looking for was not that. if anything, it's crippled me in the present. it's why i sit here, depressed, lonely, and writing this. i would rather be all of those things than the person i was then, when i thought i was getting my fix. and if i hadn't made those mistakes then, i would still be curious and knowing me as i do, i'd make them now or at some point in my life. my anxiety and depression has gotten bad lately. i wake up, eat, go to work, come home, eat, sometimes shower, go to bed...repeat. i work as a waitress at this pretty swanky little restaurant. where all of the who's who of where i live dine at. it's a reservations only type of place basically. i've never dealt with these types of people. while very nice, generally, they just want to talk and talk to me and ask me questions about the restaurant. i'm not a talker to people i don't know. i mean, aside from the basics, it's just hard for me to make small talk. always has been. which leads to my october 9th scheduled therapy appointment. my anxiety has gotten so out of hand. everything and anything overwhelms me. i find myself stuttering at tables just answering simple questions and my hands trembling when setting things on the table, because i get so nervous about messing up. i just somehow manage to make the easiest tasks into something seemingly unbearable and i realize that that is not healthy. so, like i said, we'll see how this therapy thing goes. i'm really keeping my fingers crossed.

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work today. luckily it's only for four hours. i have another job at place that i desperately wanted to work at. i started this past saturday. i haven't informed my current place of employment (previous) to this new job, that i have acquired a second. i'm nervous about that. i discovered about myself that i worry more than most human beings. and i don't think that's good.

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today is tuesday. i still have my job. i tried to get fired. i didn't call or show up for 5 days. okay, okay. silly, i know. i'm going in for an interview tomorrow (hopefully) at this place i'd really like to work at, possibly as a 2nd job. that would be really nice. i wish i had nice, happy, important thoughts to share with everyone in these blogs. the truth is, i save up every bad thought and spill it out in this. it's annonymous and no one that loves me or that i have to see on a daily basis is judging me. while i do appreciate comments and "tmails." i'm slowly losing faith in humanity. i don't know how to escape anymore. there's so much bad around me. seems like the only place i have peace in the privacy of my own bedroom. people are just vicious. i don't understand why you would want to hurt someone's feelings purely in attempt to make yourself feel better. i'm aware that i may forever be some form of depressed and have general anxiety which at times can feel like a handicap. i'm dealing. i'm digging out of the hole. it's taking years. the hole started out so small. my shovel got bigger and the hole got deeper. the hole that i dug now lies within my conscience and heart. i don't know who to trust anymore. i don't. do you really trust anyone? i meet people. i have people i've known for years. it hurts when you're not allowed to be friends with people you became close to through a past relationship, due to the fact that you were introduced through the person. oh, my. ...sigh.

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today is labor day. i'm trying to quit my job. i hope they've fired me by now.

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today is labor day. i'm trying to quit my job. i hope they've fired me by now.

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