the good, the bad, the really bad, and progression.

things are looking up... :)

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i started my day at about 7:10 this morning. threw my very dirty work clothes in the wash and ventured to my nearest mcdonald's to take advantage of a free iced coffee...i got coupons in the mail yesterday and really get excited over coupons, no joke. i went into work today at 10:30 to a very excited manager of mine. we got fresh alaskan king crab legs today. they were just caught the 23rd of this month and you can only catch them 8 days out of the year and they're amazingly delicious. anywho, a party of 12 that was scheduled called and cancelled and business wasn't looking good as far as the lunch crowd so i volunteered myself to leave so my fellow server could possibly make some decent money and give me a chance to run some errands i'd been meaning to run. i feel excited, well...slightly excited. i decided once and for all to stop drinking and to do away with everything and anyone bad from my past. i'm dead-set on it this time and i'm rather proud of myself. i don't know why i drink, or shall i say drank. the thought of it disgusts me. the feeling i get the next morning. i'm not even referring to the possible hangover, it's more a feeling of guilt and disgust toward myself because i know what i'm capable of. and drinking made me feel like a bad person. like i was just messing up my life horribly, and in a sense i was. it's done damage enough and nothing can be better for me (and others) than stopping before i just felt like a complete waste. i am already in a "bouncing-back" state of mind which is nice, i must say. i don't feel so gross and just well, ashamed of myself. i have made so many horrible alcohol-induced decisions. oh, wow...i really have. the guys, the things i dont remember, things i remember saying or doing and regretting during the sober daytime that followed. the possible lives i've put at risk is just absolutely revolting to me. there's been nights when i drove home (30 minutes give or take) on the highway and would wake up in my bed the next morning and have no recollection of getting there. meaning i was basically blackout drunk while i was driving home. pretty shitty/scary huh? the thought of going to a bar or buying a bottle of liquor sickens me for the first time. i have no desire to. i love being sober. i love this feeling. a feeling of hope and knowing that i can. it's priceless. i wouldn't trade anything for it. not to mention the natural health benefits that come with not having hard liquor in your system on a nightly basis. it's the beginning of something new for me and i can't wait. it didn't take therapy or rehab or anything of that nature to get me to come to my senses. i think that makes me proud of myself. well, i go back into work at 4:30. god bless you all and have a great afternoon. <3.>

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i wish i could erase the past 3 years of my life. i really do. i wish i could go back in time and start over. unfortunately i may or may not would have made the same mistakes again, being as naive as i was. i'm freaking out. my anxiety is at an all time high. i feel like i can't even go out to eat in my own town for fear of seeing someone from my past. i'm constantly in fear of seeing someone from my past that i'm trying to escape.

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