the good, the bad, the really bad, and progression.

i am. please, seriously. i have had to take my fucking jeep to the mechanic folks 5 times within the past three weeks because they are retards. FIVE TIMES. i've had to miss ridiculous amounts of work because of this and i honestly think my boss is as tired of it as i would be and am. it's embarrassing. i'm spending so much keeping it up until i can have the time to get a new one, that i might lose my job that i love which is the whole point of me trying to keep it up in the first place. to get there to do my job and make money. i hate these stupid, redneck manipulative mechanic assholes around here. they can see perfectly that i have no knowledge in the area of cars and are taking complete advantage of that and my wallet and time. i can't take it! tomorrow's my birthday and i know that gives me permission to cry if i want to and i very well might. my mother made the comment after a glass of wine too many last night that i was fat. i hate that. i am 119.5 lbs and 5'4''. i would hardly consider myself fat. she denies it today, but any female knows that any insinuation that one needs to drop even a pound is just someone asking for trouble. then my cousin comes over today. she's six. i'm in a horrible mood from the get-go this morning based on everything i just typed. and i have to play off totally cool or at least try to and it doesn't work so well making me look like "the bad guy" because my mom actually restrains herself in front of her. meanwhile previous to her arrival she is just throwing childish bullets at me and when i look at back her and i'm at this point biting my tongue-fuming, she just points at me and laughs. the thought of it honestly makes me so mad right now i just want to fucking throw something. if i didn't care about my mother and had no class, that would have been the perfect oppurtunity to slap her right across her annoying cheek, as she deserves. and i am not being a whiny baby in saying this. it's the truth. she needs to be on some form of anxiety medication because her insanity has got me on edge. i get the backlash of EVERYTHING that is stressing her out which in turn stresses me out and makes for two huge bitches in the same house ranting back and forth. and i don't have a car currently to even have the option to leave. ahhhhhhh!!!!! i just want to go to work and things to not be shitty. aside from all of that, i am great.

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you know what? i have always looked the same. when i was depressed everyone told me how pretty i was and how i should model and such. i'm not bragging, i promise, it's just facts. i had the same heart, same outside appearence as i do now. i just have confidence now. and let me tell you, women ARE VICIOUS when you're not depressed and you are pretty as well. most are anyway. to you women i don't have advice to give or remarks to make...just i find it disgusting that it is this way. and MEN, you are no better. pretty girl, no confidence. GOLDMINE, huh? and not anymore. disappointment.

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By no means does this make for an interesting read, but have you ever felt so pleased with the way things are going for yourself that you'd just like to give the world a hug and a ridiculously huge grin? If that were possible. I've changed so many aspects of my life and the change in myself is absolutely astonishing. I plan to continue improving and only hope I have an ounce of this feeling inside of me for a while. I've come to accept a lot of things that are not in my hands. I, for the most part of my life, was convinced it was ME that was wrong with this world. Or within my tiny world. Quite the contrary. It's possible nothing was ever terribly wrong at all...I just needed to shake myself silly and apply common knowledge and logic to a lot of situations in which I continuously was putting myself in. For starters, when you realize the guy that you are dating is a complete piece of low-life shit, LEAVE. By all means don't continue to associate with him and his friends of the same nature. Just something small I have learned. I no longer want to have such negative influences in my life. I made that decision. It was hard, but this is the best I've felt in so long. I am almost waiting for something bad to come along (the natural pessimist within me coming out). Dear God Person...amazing :)

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