Where do you move when what you're moving from is yourself?
03.29.09 (6:13 pm) [edit]
I started a new job March the sixteenth. It's an office job. I like it. It's more me. Structure. Organization. I like it. I spent way too much money this weekend. I'm really, really kicking myself for that. I have to tell myself I deserved to, though. I just can't spend anymore for a good while. The way it should be. I wouldn't enjoy big splurges if I spent money all of the time. I'm feeling lost again. I know it's part of growing up and "finding yourself." I know all of this by now. I know there will be points in my life when I feel I have complete control, and other times I will feel as if my body and head are detached. That's okay. I want to feel it all. I want to feel pain, because when things are good, I can appreciate that feeling so much more. Who would want to live a life without pain? You wouldn't know things were good. It might not be bad...you wouldn't know. When things are good now, it feels amazing. When there is only an hour out of an entire week when my mind is completely at ease and there are no chemicals in my body, I know my life is good.
finding common ground with uncommon people
03.02.09 (3:58 pm) [edit]
My life right now consists of not much and that's good with me for the most part. I don't get to see my friends as much as I'd like, but I realized everyone's very busy with their own life as am I. I love connecting with table I wait on. I do. I've never been much of a social person, but I'm finding I love to be now. I'm no longer afraid to let my quirky personality come out and people are very receptive toward it. Which makes me very confident for the first time in my life. I've never been able to describe myself as confident. I love it. I am single and I think I like that. Subconcsiously I may not, though. The past two nights I've had vivid dreams about being in a healthy, stable relationship with an unidentified male. In the first dream it's a cute, slender guy with shaggy, dark hair. He smiles a lot and we're happy, healthy, and sober. The second dream...basically the same, except the guy is blonde and a little more athletic build. In both, I feel comfortable. There's no uneasy feelings or fear of commitment. I'm happy in the place we are in both dreams, and we both smile a lot. I've never actually had a sense of comfort in any relationship I've ever been in. I long for this I think, while, as I said...I'm happy being single or so I think. That's all for now. Love, me.
