because I'm good enough, I'm strong enough, and gosh darnit, people like me.
07.20.09 (9:05 pm) [edit]
This is in response to a friend's facebook update regarding having some things that person needed to get off of their chest and a few people made comments to that update. Their advice was, "Hey have a few drinks." It triggered this, which I decided to refrain from posting aside from here:
Alcohol is the weak way out. I stopped drinking for the first time since I was 19 this year and it's amazing how different the world is when you actually face your problems. It hurts for a while, but you get to feel the good things, too, and there aren't any physical reprecussions to having a wild night of not drinking. It's amazing the things I found I was interested in since I stopped getting smashed. I had no idea I had interests past 9 pm aside from trying to numb something. I was stupid for so long. I was weak...better yet. Things are much better this way. I made things so complicated unkowingly. ("you do it to yourself, you do, and that's why it really hurts." - thanks thom). Sorry for that, but the "go drink" comments made me want to get that out because it's wehre I am right now. I'm not hating on anyone, though, for the record. And I'm not saying everyone that drinks abuses it like I did and a lot do. I cried on the 4th of July while watching fireworks. That means nothing to most. I was sober and I would normally not be at an event in a sea of drunkards. I would be one of them. I am so happy now with my life that I decided to take on without something I get at a gas station. I was able to see and feel and comprehend and even the pain I appreciated. It was raining so hard and I was freezing and everyone was complaining, but it wasn't a blur. My dad was looking down on me and he was happy for me. I could feel it. I wasn't disappointing anyone, but most of all (not just that night, but in general) I wasn't disappointing myself for the first time in my adult life. I wanted to show my real father that I could break the cycle, and I thought about all of this as I was watching fireworks from the bridge. It was beautiful to me and as I was tripping over a man in the streets dowtown, after I stopped to ask if he was alright, and he replied "I'll be fine, just too much whiskey," I understood. But I got passed that. No AA meetings. I didn't even tell anyone I had a problem. It was so hard. I was never a "day-drinker" luckily, but it was still bad. I mean, I was sober probably 2 nights out of 2008. And deep down I was miserable and things were never "okay" even though that's essentially all I was trying to be. Did I have some fucking great times? Definitely. Do I regret anything...not really for the most part. But I never dreamed I could feel this amazing and triumpant to a weight on my ankle so big it got to be a chore. I knew it was a problem when I didn't even want to drink anymore and looked down and was holding a glass of liquor concoction number 9 (Coco Chanel reference...not so much the 9th drink, while that may be fitting, too :)
