hey, so...

basically i haven't been on here in a while. i think it's so awesome the sweet e-mails and supportive comments i've gotten, though. i really do appreciate it. ok, so i turned out to be not preggers. things are looking up. i'm starting back to college this coming up monday. i make okay money at my job. i'm just weary of guys. i think i can't trust any of you and the ones i can turn out to be obsessed with me. insanity, i tell you. i need friends that are GIRLS. where are my cool girls at??? all of them that i know have way too much drama in their everyday lives for me to deal with. i'm not into drugs or partying so much anymore. i just really want to focus on ME and bettering myself for a change. i've made major mistakes in the past. i know i have. i have scars to prove it. i've dated complete assholes (haven't we all?) and that's not for me. i don't get much kick out of drinking anymore either. i still do, but it's like...well, i drink. i don't feel like you do. it feels like an obligation. i feel like, if it's 11 o'clock at night and i'm not drinking, then i should be asleep. i mean, what else do you do? i'm aware that's not healthy. i just don't know how to help it currently. if i didn't drink...i would save so much money. the only upside to this is i'm not into drugs at all. not that alcohol isn't a drug in its sense. but, you know. i just want to start over. i wish i was 18 again. so badly. i'm trying to do that...minus the whole naive aspect. so i'm 21 going on 22 now. i'm finally seeing things in true perspective in my life. i know what's right and wrong. i know what's good for me and others and not. i have common sense. i truly am easing into something healthy, but it's a process that i'm doing on my own and it's not easy. i have too much anxiety to go to those AA meetings, while i respect them. i wish had one person that had been there that would not judge me. i do. well, that is all for now. thanks for reading this stuff. <3, shayna. >