the good, the bad, the really bad, and progression.

This is in response to a friend's facebook update regarding having some things that person needed to get off of their chest and a few people made comments to that update. Their advice was, "Hey have a few drinks." It triggered this, which I decided to refrain from posting aside from here: Alcohol is the weak way out. I stopped drinking for the first time since I was 19 this year and it's amazing how different the world is when you actually face your problems. It hurts for a while, but you get to feel the good things, too, and there aren't any physical reprecussions to having a wild night of not drinking. It's amazing the things I found I was interested in since I stopped getting smashed. I had no idea I had interests past 9 pm aside from trying to numb something. I was stupid for so long. I was weak...better yet. Things are much better this way. I made things so complicated unkowingly. ("you do it to yourself, you do, and that's why it really hurts." - thanks thom). Sorry for that, but the "go drink" comments made me want to get that out because it's wehre I am right now. I'm not hating on anyone, though, for the record. And I'm not saying everyone that drinks abuses it like I did and a lot do. I cried on the 4th of July while watching fireworks. That means nothing to most. I was sober and I would normally not be at an event in a sea of drunkards. I would be one of them. I am so happy now with my life that I decided to take on without something I get at a gas station. I was able to see and feel and comprehend and even the pain I appreciated. It was raining so hard and I was freezing and everyone was complaining, but it wasn't a blur. My dad was looking down on me and he was happy for me. I could feel it. I wasn't disappointing anyone, but most of all (not just that night, but in general) I wasn't disappointing myself for the first time in my adult life. I wanted to show my real father that I could break the cycle, and I thought about all of this as I was watching fireworks from the bridge. It was beautiful to me and as I was tripping over a man in the streets dowtown, after I stopped to ask if he was alright, and he replied "I'll be fine, just too much whiskey," I understood. But I got passed that. No AA meetings. I didn't even tell anyone I had a problem. It was so hard. I was never a "day-drinker" luckily, but it was still bad. I mean, I was sober probably 2 nights out of 2008. And deep down I was miserable and things were never "okay" even though that's essentially all I was trying to be. Did I have some fucking great times? Definitely. Do I regret anything...not really for the most part. But I never dreamed I could feel this amazing and triumpant to a weight on my ankle so big it got to be a chore. I knew it was a problem when I didn't even want to drink anymore and looked down and was holding a glass of liquor concoction number 9 (Coco Chanel reference...not so much the 9th drink, while that may be fitting, too :)

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I don't regret most anything. I don't regret meeting you. I don't regret knowing you. I don't regret any time I've spent with you. I regret sleeping with you. I regret making you think that was interested in you for more than a friend. I thought I was. I'm not. Now I've led you on unintentionally into thinking this could possibly be serious or something close, but it's not going to. I knew that. I wanted it to. As "a friend" says, "you want so badly to be in love with this guy. You've given him every chance. He is rich, good-looking, and smart." He is those things and it doesn't satisfy me at all. It's temporarily flattering. I like to be seen with you. I do. When you tell me how your co-workers won't stop talking about what a catch I am...flattery that I haven't had in years. You bore me. That's it. I can't have any future with someone that I have well, been dating? Maybe...as I was saying...I can't have any future with someone that I cannot make conversation with even 3 months into. I mean, Geez. What a freaking let down. I suppose it's me. You're you and I am me. That's logic, right? I just always built you up to be so amazing. Then I got to know you. So here's the thing. It would be very easy to break everything off completely seeing as how I'm not even sure there is a status between the two of us, BUT...and here's the huge BUT: We have slept together which makes me feel like a complete "floozy" as you call them to want to end things before they've really begun. But things will not begin for us. I can tell. I wish we hadn't done that.

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THINGS ARE GREAT! That's all I can say about now. I ask that you read up on a blog from 2004-2008 and you will understand the magnitude of that statement. Knock on wood... P.S. What's the difference between an objective and subjective point of view? I know one is basically seeing things from an outsider's point of view, with no previous knowledge of a situation, but which goes with which? HELP. I'm just curious. Thanks. Mucho LOVE. -Me.

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I started a new job March the sixteenth. It's an office job. I like it. It's more me. Structure. Organization. I like it. I spent way too much money this weekend. I'm really, really kicking myself for that. I have to tell myself I deserved to, though. I just can't spend anymore for a good while. The way it should be. I wouldn't enjoy big splurges if I spent money all of the time. I'm feeling lost again. I know it's part of growing up and "finding yourself." I know all of this by now. I know there will be points in my life when I feel I have complete control, and other times I will feel as if my body and head are detached. That's okay. I want to feel it all. I want to feel pain, because when things are good, I can appreciate that feeling so much more. Who would want to live a life without pain? You wouldn't know things were good. It might not be bad...you wouldn't know. When things are good now, it feels amazing. When there is only an hour out of an entire week when my mind is completely at ease and there are no chemicals in my body, I know my life is good.

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My life right now consists of not much and that's good with me for the most part. I don't get to see my friends as much as I'd like, but I realized everyone's very busy with their own life as am I. I love connecting with table I wait on. I do. I've never been much of a social person, but I'm finding I love to be now. I'm no longer afraid to let my quirky personality come out and people are very receptive toward it. Which makes me very confident for the first time in my life. I've never been able to describe myself as confident. I love it. I am single and I think I like that. Subconcsiously I may not, though. The past two nights I've had vivid dreams about being in a healthy, stable relationship with an unidentified male. In the first dream it's a cute, slender guy with shaggy, dark hair. He smiles a lot and we're happy, healthy, and sober. The second dream...basically the same, except the guy is blonde and a little more athletic build. In both, I feel comfortable. There's no uneasy feelings or fear of commitment. I'm happy in the place we are in both dreams, and we both smile a lot. I've never actually had a sense of comfort in any relationship I've ever been in. I long for this I think, while, as I said...I'm happy being single or so I think. That's all for now. Love, me.

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i am. please, seriously. i have had to take my fucking jeep to the mechanic folks 5 times within the past three weeks because they are retards. FIVE TIMES. i've had to miss ridiculous amounts of work because of this and i honestly think my boss is as tired of it as i would be and am. it's embarrassing. i'm spending so much keeping it up until i can have the time to get a new one, that i might lose my job that i love which is the whole point of me trying to keep it up in the first place. to get there to do my job and make money. i hate these stupid, redneck manipulative mechanic assholes around here. they can see perfectly that i have no knowledge in the area of cars and are taking complete advantage of that and my wallet and time. i can't take it! tomorrow's my birthday and i know that gives me permission to cry if i want to and i very well might. my mother made the comment after a glass of wine too many last night that i was fat. i hate that. i am 119.5 lbs and 5'4''. i would hardly consider myself fat. she denies it today, but any female knows that any insinuation that one needs to drop even a pound is just someone asking for trouble. then my cousin comes over today. she's six. i'm in a horrible mood from the get-go this morning based on everything i just typed. and i have to play off totally cool or at least try to and it doesn't work so well making me look like "the bad guy" because my mom actually restrains herself in front of her. meanwhile previous to her arrival she is just throwing childish bullets at me and when i look at back her and i'm at this point biting my tongue-fuming, she just points at me and laughs. the thought of it honestly makes me so mad right now i just want to fucking throw something. if i didn't care about my mother and had no class, that would have been the perfect oppurtunity to slap her right across her annoying cheek, as she deserves. and i am not being a whiny baby in saying this. it's the truth. she needs to be on some form of anxiety medication because her insanity has got me on edge. i get the backlash of EVERYTHING that is stressing her out which in turn stresses me out and makes for two huge bitches in the same house ranting back and forth. and i don't have a car currently to even have the option to leave. ahhhhhhh!!!!! i just want to go to work and things to not be shitty. aside from all of that, i am great.

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you know what? i have always looked the same. when i was depressed everyone told me how pretty i was and how i should model and such. i'm not bragging, i promise, it's just facts. i had the same heart, same outside appearence as i do now. i just have confidence now. and let me tell you, women ARE VICIOUS when you're not depressed and you are pretty as well. most are anyway. to you women i don't have advice to give or remarks to make...just i find it disgusting that it is this way. and MEN, you are no better. pretty girl, no confidence. GOLDMINE, huh? and not anymore. disappointment.

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By no means does this make for an interesting read, but have you ever felt so pleased with the way things are going for yourself that you'd just like to give the world a hug and a ridiculously huge grin? If that were possible. I've changed so many aspects of my life and the change in myself is absolutely astonishing. I plan to continue improving and only hope I have an ounce of this feeling inside of me for a while. I've come to accept a lot of things that are not in my hands. I, for the most part of my life, was convinced it was ME that was wrong with this world. Or within my tiny world. Quite the contrary. It's possible nothing was ever terribly wrong at all...I just needed to shake myself silly and apply common knowledge and logic to a lot of situations in which I continuously was putting myself in. For starters, when you realize the guy that you are dating is a complete piece of low-life shit, LEAVE. By all means don't continue to associate with him and his friends of the same nature. Just something small I have learned. I no longer want to have such negative influences in my life. I made that decision. It was hard, but this is the best I've felt in so long. I am almost waiting for something bad to come along (the natural pessimist within me coming out). Dear God Person...amazing :)

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ah, how do you make decent friends in a small town? i don't think i have any.

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i'm really gonna miss you already. and i'm sorry i'm manic, but glad you somehow don't mind. i had too much fun this weekend. really i did. thursday night...us going to the tavern then your house. you had lost weight and looked so cute when i showed up at your house pre-tavern. the next day, friday, was the best by far. going to cracker barrel. laughing my ass off at you (and me:) the entire day the getting off from work and us just tackling one another until it became impossible to breathe from laughter or the fact that i was just out of breath or both. seeing the oscar meyer weiner truck and making a point to stop and get a picture by it. gosh, i can't wait til next time.

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alright, so i absolutely take things for granted sometimes. i miss my dearest michael like crazy and have to refrain as hard as possible from showing that at all to him, or others for that matter. i never thought those words would come out of my mouth seeing as i spent majority of the summer and part of fall trying to escape his clingy tendencies. i've actually made the statement to my mom and confidant "i almost wish him and his ex would get back together to get him off me for a while." i completely retract that statement. he told me he was coming down home this coming weekend from school and staying until sunday night i'm guessing. ahh, it can't get here soon enough. i miss my best friend. i miss someone laughing with me hysterically that has the same, identical sense of humor as i do. i want to say i miss my drinking buddy, but i've stopped all of that as stated in 2 blogs previous to this. the problem with this thing is...i'm not sexually attracted to this person. i'm just not. i do find him at times physically very attractive, but i swear it's so hard for me to find him sexually attractive. by that i mean, i really cannot get turned on, for lack of a better phrase, by him. he tries to kiss me and all i'm thinking is ..."please let's get this over with. oh, and really don't try to take it further than this." weird i know. i dunno what's up with that. maybe because i've always been into very thin guys and he's just average-ish. or he's not as masculine. i'm not sure.

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things are looking up... :)

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i started my day at about 7:10 this morning. threw my very dirty work clothes in the wash and ventured to my nearest mcdonald's to take advantage of a free iced coffee...i got coupons in the mail yesterday and really get excited over coupons, no joke. i went into work today at 10:30 to a very excited manager of mine. we got fresh alaskan king crab legs today. they were just caught the 23rd of this month and you can only catch them 8 days out of the year and they're amazingly delicious. anywho, a party of 12 that was scheduled called and cancelled and business wasn't looking good as far as the lunch crowd so i volunteered myself to leave so my fellow server could possibly make some decent money and give me a chance to run some errands i'd been meaning to run. i feel excited, well...slightly excited. i decided once and for all to stop drinking and to do away with everything and anyone bad from my past. i'm dead-set on it this time and i'm rather proud of myself. i don't know why i drink, or shall i say drank. the thought of it disgusts me. the feeling i get the next morning. i'm not even referring to the possible hangover, it's more a feeling of guilt and disgust toward myself because i know what i'm capable of. and drinking made me feel like a bad person. like i was just messing up my life horribly, and in a sense i was. it's done damage enough and nothing can be better for me (and others) than stopping before i just felt like a complete waste. i am already in a "bouncing-back" state of mind which is nice, i must say. i don't feel so gross and just well, ashamed of myself. i have made so many horrible alcohol-induced decisions. oh, wow...i really have. the guys, the things i dont remember, things i remember saying or doing and regretting during the sober daytime that followed. the possible lives i've put at risk is just absolutely revolting to me. there's been nights when i drove home (30 minutes give or take) on the highway and would wake up in my bed the next morning and have no recollection of getting there. meaning i was basically blackout drunk while i was driving home. pretty shitty/scary huh? the thought of going to a bar or buying a bottle of liquor sickens me for the first time. i have no desire to. i love being sober. i love this feeling. a feeling of hope and knowing that i can. it's priceless. i wouldn't trade anything for it. not to mention the natural health benefits that come with not having hard liquor in your system on a nightly basis. it's the beginning of something new for me and i can't wait. it didn't take therapy or rehab or anything of that nature to get me to come to my senses. i think that makes me proud of myself. well, i go back into work at 4:30. god bless you all and have a great afternoon. <3.>

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i wish i could erase the past 3 years of my life. i really do. i wish i could go back in time and start over. unfortunately i may or may not would have made the same mistakes again, being as naive as i was. i'm freaking out. my anxiety is at an all time high. i feel like i can't even go out to eat in my own town for fear of seeing someone from my past. i'm constantly in fear of seeing someone from my past that i'm trying to escape.

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there really isn't a single thing from my past i miss. i find myself lately wishing i could go back to certain times in my life. times, when for some reason, things felt more innocent. truth is, they weren't. i was just naive and didn't realize what i was getting myself into. i remember meeting him. us drinking until the sun came up and on and off the next day. we thought we'd be together forever. that day summed up our entire relationship. i was too stupid to see it. i was looking for comfort somewhere and you practically showed up at my doorstep to pick me up. i should have stepped over you, but i was drunk. i fell on you. that day would be the peak of all things good throughout our ten month courtship. the courtship that haunts me to this day, over a year later. i suppose everyone feels this way at some point in their lives. i remember all of the drunken nights when i was younger. i remember thinking there could be no greater feeling in the world then sitting at the park with "insert guy x here" and sipping on a bud light. not realizing what i was getting myself into. i now look back and see how horrible things were then. i just thought i would find all of my answers and medicine in a bottle that crushes peoples' lives and a lanky, rebelious, shaggy-haired guy. the perks of all of that is, is that i'm still young (21) and i've already made so many mistakes in that area that i couldnt do it again. not to say i wont make tons and tons more, but at least i found out that what i'm looking for was not that. if anything, it's crippled me in the present. it's why i sit here, depressed, lonely, and writing this. i would rather be all of those things than the person i was then, when i thought i was getting my fix. and if i hadn't made those mistakes then, i would still be curious and knowing me as i do, i'd make them now or at some point in my life. my anxiety and depression has gotten bad lately. i wake up, eat, go to work, come home, eat, sometimes shower, go to bed...repeat. i work as a waitress at this pretty swanky little restaurant. where all of the who's who of where i live dine at. it's a reservations only type of place basically. i've never dealt with these types of people. while very nice, generally, they just want to talk and talk to me and ask me questions about the restaurant. i'm not a talker to people i don't know. i mean, aside from the basics, it's just hard for me to make small talk. always has been. which leads to my october 9th scheduled therapy appointment. my anxiety has gotten so out of hand. everything and anything overwhelms me. i find myself stuttering at tables just answering simple questions and my hands trembling when setting things on the table, because i get so nervous about messing up. i just somehow manage to make the easiest tasks into something seemingly unbearable and i realize that that is not healthy. so, like i said, we'll see how this therapy thing goes. i'm really keeping my fingers crossed.

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work today. luckily it's only for four hours. i have another job at place that i desperately wanted to work at. i started this past saturday. i haven't informed my current place of employment (previous) to this new job, that i have acquired a second. i'm nervous about that. i discovered about myself that i worry more than most human beings. and i don't think that's good.

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today is tuesday. i still have my job. i tried to get fired. i didn't call or show up for 5 days. okay, okay. silly, i know. i'm going in for an interview tomorrow (hopefully) at this place i'd really like to work at, possibly as a 2nd job. that would be really nice. i wish i had nice, happy, important thoughts to share with everyone in these blogs. the truth is, i save up every bad thought and spill it out in this. it's annonymous and no one that loves me or that i have to see on a daily basis is judging me. while i do appreciate comments and "tmails." i'm slowly losing faith in humanity. i don't know how to escape anymore. there's so much bad around me. seems like the only place i have peace in the privacy of my own bedroom. people are just vicious. i don't understand why you would want to hurt someone's feelings purely in attempt to make yourself feel better. i'm aware that i may forever be some form of depressed and have general anxiety which at times can feel like a handicap. i'm dealing. i'm digging out of the hole. it's taking years. the hole started out so small. my shovel got bigger and the hole got deeper. the hole that i dug now lies within my conscience and heart. i don't know who to trust anymore. i don't. do you really trust anyone? i meet people. i have people i've known for years. it hurts when you're not allowed to be friends with people you became close to through a past relationship, due to the fact that you were introduced through the person. oh, my. ...sigh.

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today is labor day. i'm trying to quit my job. i hope they've fired me by now.

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today is labor day. i'm trying to quit my job. i hope they've fired me by now.

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there are about 2 people in this town that would call me a whore. one being my drunkard, loser excuse of an ex-boyfriend, because i happened to almost sleep with a guy he introduced me to about a year after we'd broken up. bad idea, but it almost happened and apparently the guy told EVERYONE about it. well, i live in a small town so everyone doesn't consist of many people. so primarily just him and his best friend would consider me to be this inaccurate description of myself. i don't go after guys. i never have. but, it bothers me a lot when i see this person (ex) out somewhere, and of course he's generally drunk, and he insinuates in front of everyone that i'm a hooker. only because he's bitter toward everyone because he has low self-esteem. he feels that if he insults people that have hurt him horribly then he'll feel better. wrong... no one leaves happy or satisfied. i was at a bar last night that friends invited me to and i was assured that said ex would not be there seeing as it was a crowd that he's usually around. i get there and who's sitting at the bar with a half-pint of whiskey in hand. you guessed it. he's high on god knows what and so drunk everyone is making fun of him at this point. he spots me immediately as i walk in with my date/best friend (weird, i know). anywho, he proceeds to drunkenly keep approaching my friend and be drunk and creepy and massage his shoulders and give him a hug trying to piss him off, is my only guess. luckily my friend keeps his cool and just laughs at the situation. then ex comes up to me and as he can barely speak, pulls out his wallet, (probably bragging he actually has a job for the first time since the last time he got fired for god knows what) and starts pulling out bills and holding them in my face. i laugh at first and attempt to grab one of the bills. he is insinuating in front of all of my friends, be him drunk or not, that i am a hooker. this irritates so much i can't quite put it into words. i do nothing about it. i say nothing. but it did embarrass me and hurt my feelings, even if i know that i am not what he's suggesting in sole attempt to accomplish what he indeed has, though, i didn't let him know so. i don't know if it's me or everyone around here, but i'm completely sick of peoples' faces around here. i dont want to know the people i once knew. they're not good people. i ran around with a bad crowd and i want so badly to disassociate myself with them and everyone knowing me as i was then. but, you can't erase the past. only move forward and change. it sounds so easy. it's very hard staying away from people that are your friends or at least claim to be when you get very bored on a saturday night and they call you up wanting to hang out. i try to avoid it, and not answer my phone. but i occasionally have the urge to want to go out like old, crazy times. but these days, i realize, it's not fun or cool to get wasted out of your mind and say and do things you don't remember and feel guilty and wonder why so and so's mad at you the next day. i hate that. i'm not there anymore. but, i am occasionally tempted and rarely, but still occasionally do give into the tempation and i am realizing as i'm typing this...ALWAYS regret hanging out with that crowd. i want to change, i do. it's such a sloooowwww process. i know people can change because i have before. well i morphed into someone i thought i never would be. i wish i could morph back just as easily. somehow escaping the bad times and regrets is a lot harder than it was to make the mistakes. everyone says therapy, therapy, therapy. i just need friends that are not drunkards. that would be a start. people with healthy lifestyles heading in the direction i want to as well. i don't even know where to find these people. i don't go to church. i ended up not being about to go back to school this semester due to the fact that i was not notified until the last minute that i need to take a compass test if i'm 21 or older (and i am) and degree-seeking. sucks.

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basically i haven't been on here in a while. i think it's so awesome the sweet e-mails and supportive comments i've gotten, though. i really do appreciate it. ok, so i turned out to be not preggers. things are looking up. i'm starting back to college this coming up monday. i make okay money at my job. i'm just weary of guys. i think i can't trust any of you and the ones i can turn out to be obsessed with me. insanity, i tell you. i need friends that are GIRLS. where are my cool girls at??? all of them that i know have way too much drama in their everyday lives for me to deal with. i'm not into drugs or partying so much anymore. i just really want to focus on ME and bettering myself for a change. i've made major mistakes in the past. i know i have. i have scars to prove it. i've dated complete assholes (haven't we all?) and that's not for me. i don't get much kick out of drinking anymore either. i still do, but it's like...well, i drink. i don't feel like you do. it feels like an obligation. i feel like, if it's 11 o'clock at night and i'm not drinking, then i should be asleep. i mean, what else do you do? i'm aware that's not healthy. i just don't know how to help it currently. if i didn't drink...i would save so much money. the only upside to this is i'm not into drugs at all. not that alcohol isn't a drug in its sense. but, you know. i just want to start over. i wish i was 18 again. so badly. i'm trying to do that...minus the whole naive aspect. so i'm 21 going on 22 now. i'm finally seeing things in true perspective in my life. i know what's right and wrong. i know what's good for me and others and not. i have common sense. i truly am easing into something healthy, but it's a process that i'm doing on my own and it's not easy. i have too much anxiety to go to those AA meetings, while i respect them. i wish had one person that had been there that would not judge me. i do. well, that is all for now. thanks for reading this stuff. <3, shayna. >

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took test, not sure. says negative, but it's too soon to tell.

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am i pregnant? this is not good.

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supposedly i've gained a lover, but i feel more like i've lost my best friend.

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